A Letter to My Family 2014

At the end of last year I wrote a letter to my family. You can read it here. I intend to write a letter at the end of each year.


From youngest to oldest...

Dear Buddy,
Welcome to our family! You've now been with us for almost 9 months and I must say it has been quite an adjustment. When you first came I was sure we made a mistake. Now, you have changed so much, we have adjusted and you are part of our family. We are all trying to make you feel more comfortable and not so scared of everything and you have come so far!. We often wonder what happened to you in the past and are so glad you are with us- a loving family. You have even turned the Russell men into dog people. Who knew it was possible? We love having you in our family.


Dear Ryan,
Like every year of your life, this has been a year of growth. You have become a reader and writer and continue to get better at both.I enjoy listening to you read and watching you get your thoughts down in writing. You have a passion for writing and creating books. Remember your New Years Eve activity that you put in a balloon?- "write your own book".  You are a fun and playful soul. You bring laughter and fun into any play time with friends, all family events, and especially our home. I appreciate that you try new things. I was impressed with your work in soccer, t ball and now basketball. I know you have learned some life lessons in the last year about being a good listener, following the rules and expectations at school, telling the truth, and being a good friend. I am proud that you internalize the lessons being taught and apply them to life. You have incredible manners and always have. Your sense of humor is unparalleled. Your enthusiasm for what you love (Buddy, wrestling, writing books) is admirable. I know how frustrated you get when we don't understand what you're trying to express. I want to make that better for you.You bring me such joy. I hope I am being the mom you need me to be. I wouldn't change anything about you. I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you and all you add to our family. I love you.



Dear Haley,
You have grown so much this year. Not only are you taller (just inches below me!) you are learning those skills and lessons of an early adolescent. I love that you ask me questions about friendships and words or terms you don't know. I hope you are taking subconscious notice that everytime you say, "Mom, can I ask you a question?" I respond with, "You can ask me anything." because you can- always.  I CANNOT believe you have been on this earth for 10 years next month. I am so proud that you continue to be a diligent student. I still admire your artistic abilities. I like that you find something to be interested in and go deep into it. I trust your judgment in people and know that you are learning what a true friend is at this age. You are always ready to party and stay up and sleep in. One of my favorite moments with you this year (there were so many) was staying up on New Years Eve and watching the special on TV. You were so excited about the performances. It was a moment that reminded me of how you are growing up all the time. I love that your mind is innocent and that your physical self is moving along much faster than your social/playful self (in the best way). I soak in how much you and Ryan play and laugh.You teach me so much about being a mom. You bring me such joy. I hope I am being the mom you need me to be. I wouldn't change anything about you. I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you and all you add to our family. I love you.





Dear Me,
I have had a very good year. I feel happy and in a very good place. The hard work and my focus of "letting things go I have no control over" are paying off. I felt far less stress and frustration and disappointment this year. I know that I am closer to my best self and am moving in the right direction. I promised to work on flexibility and core strength and meditation as I know the combination is the right one for my well being. That is still my goal since I didn't improve much in that area. The Oprah event was life changing and everything seems extra sweet since then. I live a grateful life and I feel more grateful, more gracious, more loving, more empathetic, more accepting, more in love than I ever have. I have found a new level of patience and calm in my home and work life. I have received more clarity on my spiritual path. I have been revived in my work with some changes this year. I am being good to myself and others. I am proud of my fiscal responsibility and know that it leads to fun adventures for my family. I am proud of the behavior I model for my kids in regard to human kindness. I have seen, more than any other year, the power of desiring from your true self and having the energy in the universe respond. I have enjoyed my time off with my kids more than I ever have. Our summer was epic. I am happy with who I am and continuously work on being better. I wouldn't change that about myself.



Dear Josh,
In the words of my mom, "there is nothing you can't do." I thought last year you hit the jackpot- little did I know! Simply put- you amaze me. I am in awe of you as a person. You are an incredible model of what it means to decide to do something and DO IT. I love our marriage, our partnership, our life.You have kept me laughing for 17 and 1/2 years. What a gift. You are an incredible father. I never tire of the kids waiting for you to get home and the energy you have when they greet you with such enthusiasm!  I have never been more in love with you. You are kind and thoughtful. You are fun and funny. You are hard working. You do work for good and what you are doing is impacting the world positively. You own everything you do and every action you take, never making excuses. You are an admirable and inspiring soul. You get better looking with age. You bring me such joy. I hope I am being the wife you need me to be. I wouldn't change anything about you. I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you and all you add to our family. I love you.

Cheers to 2014. Bring on 2015!

A Letter to My Family 2015

Each year I write a letter to my family. You can see the last 2 here and here.  I love that these letters will be gifts in years to come.

As always, I will go from youngest to oldest.

Dear Buddy,
You are such a good boy. I always think about how much I regretted getting you at first. You have been an essential family member. You are so sweet and loving and cuddly. I continue to wonder what situation you came from and know, that with each passing day, you are realizing that this family will not hurt you or abandon you. You are so loved here. I know how much you love us. There have been times when you have sensed the loss and sadness and have simply come up to me and snuggled in. You are a special little dog- a healing dog. I love that Haley and Ryan LOVE playing with you and get excited to be with you every day. I know so many things still scare you, but I also know you've gotten much more secure. Now, just stop eating our underwear, ok?

Dear Ryan,

My dear boy. Your personality lights up a room. Your humor and wit keep a permanent smile on my face. You still crack me and Haley up at the dinner table every night. You are the champion of "whoever laughs first loses." I love your playful spirit. This year I have enjoyed watching you become even more creative and imaginative. I can see your mind working as you play with Legos or write a story or play pretend. I am proud of the hard work you do in school and that your teachers enjoy having you in class. I am proud of the moral compass you are developing and that you see the importance of telling the truth, even when it's not easy. Your manners are still amazing:) I know that you are in tune and sensitive and your random, "mommy, I love you"s are not random. I know this has been a challenging year. I am so glad you ask me questions and let me know how you're feeling. I hope you know how much I love you, but also know there is no way that you can. I am proud to be your mom.You bring me such joy. I hope I am being the mom you need me to be. I wouldn't change anything about you. I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you and all you add to our family. I love you. You are my light.

Haley,
My mini-me. I am realizing more and more how much we are alike. I know how you think because I think the same way! I know that when I type this letter next year you will be taller than me. I love that we share shoes:) I love your tom boy style and that you are comfortable in your skin. I loved watching you become a skateboarder this year, doing the ramps and half pipe. I continue to see you evolve into a pre-teen as you hang One Direction posters and rearrange your room and even start to have friendships with boys. I admire your hard work in school, and when there was a dip in effort, you changed your direction and got back on track. I know that the school experience will change as you get into middle school (NEXT YEAR!) and my hope is that you keep your work ethic at school as you have for the last 6 years. You are a good friend, kind, respectful, thoughtful, and considerate. I see the struggle you have had this year and I hope you know that the love for you has not and will not change. I hope you know how much I love you, but know there is no way that you can. I am proud to be your mom. You bring me such joy. I hope I am being the mom you need me to be. I wouldn't change anything about you. I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you and all you add to our family. I love you. You are my light.

Dear Me,

Oh, Jennifer...what a year this has been. But look at this picture- my face has joy. I have found joy even in the darkest of days. I looked at the letter to myself last year and am finding wisdom in my old words, especially the "letting go of what I can't control." I had no idea, when I wrote that last year, how true those words would be. I've never done harder work for me or my family than I have the last 10 months. I know that hard work will continue. I have had some slips, but for the most part have kept grace throughout this whole thing.  I need to forgive myself for being human when I feel things that aren't "me" but rather feelings that are completely natural (or so I'm told- ha!) I am ready for 2016. I am tired of telling this story and ready to tell a new one. I knew I was loved and supported, but never knew how much until this year. I will no longer spend energy or focus on the disappointments in this process and shift my focus solely to the incredible, and expanding village we have. It's beyond amazing! I know this roller coaster is far from over, but I'm leaving so many things behind in 2015. 2016 will have purpose and focus and a full heart, knowing that I am lifted up by so many amazing souls- knowing that I am more than enough. I want to be an example for my children- they are pure light and love. I am a better mom, sister, friend, teacher, niece, cousin, daughter. I am ready to be back in my skin and shine. I will continue to be better.

So I close the chapter on 2015- a year of change and growth and all sorts of things. 

I cheers to 2016- a year of change and growth and all sorts of things!!!

A Letter to My Family 2017

This quote is so true. My kids are my light.

Every year I write a letter to my family. I can't wait to gift this blog to my kids. Here are my letters for 2017- as always, from youngest to oldest.

Buddy! Our family loves you so much. I am sorry we can't help you be less skittish and more comfortable. You are the most frightened, unsure dog I know. I say this every year and I mean it, but I am glad you have us to love you. Whoever owned you first sure did a number on you. You make us laugh and you're the only one in my family who cuddles with me right now! I hope we are being the family you need. I'm sorry if there's something we can be doing that we're not. You're a good boy and I love you.

My Dear Ryan,
You are one of a kind. You bring laughter and silliness everywhere you go. You remain the champion of "whoever laughs first loses" as Haley and I can't help but laugh at what you come up with to make us laugh. Your growth this year has been impressive. You have felt a bit discouraged at times, but it hasn't stopped you from trying and working on those things that challenge you. And THIS is where you need to see your strength. You are always working to be better. You express yourself and your thoughts and feelings in ways not many other 9 year olds do. You just bought a notebook in LA, with your own money, to give to a girl you have a crush on. You are brave! You are sensitive to others' hearts and feelings and you know what's right and wrong. You are awesome at trying new things and right now you are loving chess! You have the courage to own your mistakes and not repeat them. I want you to know how incredible you are. You are an amazing soul.  I am here for you always. I want you to know that I see you. I want you to know that you are growing into a young man filled with love and integrity and you are everything I have ever hoped for in a son. I would not change one thing about you. I pray that I am the mom you need me to be. You are my light. You are my heart. I love you, buppy toe.

 My Dear Haley,
This picture depicts how I saw you this year. I witnessed some weight being lifted off of your soul and your lightness (and your inner light) return in many many ways. I know things have been hard for you and you need to know it does not go unnoticed. You do not go unnoticed. Life is just hard sometimes and I cannot take it away, but I can and will be beside you and behind you. You are such a cool kid. You are easy to be around and have a great sense of humor. You are an extremely talented artist.  I love hearing "Jackie" stories every day. I admire how hard you work in school and how diligent you are to stay on top of your work. I know you are having all the feelings and emotions a teenager has and I want you to know I am here for you. I want the best for you so when I talk to you about getting involved or putting yourself out there, it is not to push you into something you don't want to do. It's because I want you to experience all life has to offer. I have liked that you have opened up more and have talked about how you're feeling and have asked more questions. You are an amazing soul. I want you to know that I see you. I want you to know that you are everything I have ever hoped for in a daughter. I would not change one thing about you. You make me incredibly proud. I pray that I am the mom you need me to be. You are my light. You are my heart. I love you, tickle tee.

My Dear Jen,
Well, damn. Although this year had lower lows than you had expected, it had higher highs too. There has been so much growth, hard insights, and realizations about yourself, and also an amazing reunion with feeling true happiness again. After this last, extremely challenging month, you have found resolve and determination to align yourself in character and soul. You have been out of your skin for so long, finding your way back. You've spent most of this past year feeling your new self but have also been challenged with mistakes you own and are ready to move on from. Your life is yours alone, to live. Do not fear. You can do hard things and you have. Be proud of how you handle yourself and the woman you are and continue to become. Be kind to yourself when you do things you wish you hadn't. You are human- a person with wonderful qualities and unattractive flaws. Continue to work to be better, but as Glennon Doyle Melton says, "focus less of self improvement and more on self love." Be honest with yourself and with others. Know that you are making your dad proud and that he sees you. Listen to your inner voice that always guides you the right way. Every time you've ignored it, you have steered off course. Do something you've never done this year. Continue to live in gratitude every single day and find joy in every aspect of your life. You are strong. Keep your eyes and heart forward and take what you need from the past to help you grow. There are no accidents. This is your journey and with every slip or downright sloppy fall, you're moving miles ahead. Love every cell of yourself- the good, bad and ugly. For goodness sake, finally watch "Seinfeld" so you get when people quote it. And as you always say, onward, forward, upward. YOU GOT THIS!

A Letter to My Family-2021

Each year I write a letter to my family at the end of the year. I have been away from this blog the last few years. The whole purpose of starting the blog years ago was to capture our life, growing up together. I want to be better this year. I love looking at old posts and reliving life's memories. 

I usually write the letter from youngest to oldest. This year I am going to start a bit differently, and write to both of you kids with common words for you both. 

Dearest Ryan and Haley,

Once again, I find myself writing about my awe of you. 2021 included learning from home, a masked life, adjustments and cancellations of social plans and get aways. You have remained flexible and understanding of this shift in life. I am so intentional about the mom I try to be for you. I know that you are individual from each other, but try to remain fair and equitable. The biggest word that comes to mind when I think about you is PROUD. You continue to grow into people of integrity, love, and awareness. I love the feel of our home when you are in it. It feels light. It feels warm. It feels fun. It feels perfect.  I sometimes struggle with the line between supporting your independence and the amount of guidance I offer. I want to be there for you while also allowing life to be what it is for each of you. Please know that I am always trying to be better for you, and for myself. My life with you is my definition of love. I have so many dreams for you. I see you. I hear you. I love you. You are the sun.

My Dearest Ryan,

This picture was taken at the start of the year at Pinecrest when we skied at Dodge Ridge. You've grown at least 5 feet since then. Haha! I enjoy so much about you, but this year the stand out was seeing you go back to school and applying all the skills you worked hard on during online school. I see such a shift in your confidence as a student. You hold yourself to a high standard and then live up to it. Besides school, I have watched you enjoy social life as a teen. You are so kind and thoughtful. You are a good friend. I am proud of the way you treat people- friends, peers, family, adults. Your creative self continues to grow and create wondrous things! You are still the one who makes us laugh and remain the running champion of "whoever laughs first loses". I REALLY enjoy spending time with you. You are calm, funny, respectful, and trustworthy. You make my heart smile. I adore you.

My Dearest Haley,

 Welp...here you are, almost 17 years old. You are so many things and the things I have enjoyed witnessing most this year are you starting your first job and getting your drivers license. There are so many life skills in both of these things and you are stepping up to this part of your life and learning the lessons that come with all of it. I love our banter. Your love of tv drama makes me laugh. Your smile lights up any space. You make managing school, work, and life look easy. I enjoy your easy going attitude. I love our tv time, not because of the show as much as just being in our space and laughing together. I love that you are now at the "adult table" at family events. I admire how in your skin you are. You are wise, fun, witty, and a life cheerleader for others. You make my heart smile. I adore you.

Now it's my turn! This was big year in a lot of ways. This year I have felt the most settled in my life than I have in many years. I have been independent for 6 and 1/2 years. The journey cannot be replaced. I feel a huge calm in knowing that my kids are good. They are not just good. They are great. Josh and I worked hard to make sure they knew they were our center and it's clear we accomplished our goal. I feel very proud of that. Very. The kids and I have open and free conversations about life, present and past. It all feels warm and good and right. I am truly happy and fulfilled and have been for years. This year was different in that I opened my heart for the first time since it was broken. 

Shawn was an eye opener for me. He showed me I could feel love again and, even more, that I can be loved and adored for every aspect of me. He was a huge gift. He made me laugh (hard), challenged my thinking, was adventurous  and so damn fun.  He was a very good man. He also showed me that I still choose me over things I cannot invite into my life (f**k addiction). Although the decision was clear once I knew, it was a very hard walk when I walked away. I know there are clear reasons why we met 8 months before he suddenly passed- we gave each other gifts that changed both of us. I will NEVER forget him or what we shared. 

Another year in the book for the crew. Life is good, even when it's challenging. I love this family!

A Letter to My Family 2013

From youngest to oldest...

Dear Ryan,
2013 has been a year full of growth. I see how hard you work at doing the right thing and "keeping it together" when things don't go your way. The changes I have seen are tremendous.. I am proud of how you treat others and the wonderful manners you have all the time. You are a fun friend and a kind soul. You are sensitive and I can see your wheels turning when you are processing something. I love the questions you ask. You are so funny, you make us laugh every single day. You are a good little brother by always including Haley in what you are playing. I love that your goal is to get your sister to laugh at you. I adore how playful you are. I am in awe of your imagination. The books that you write and the stories that you come up with blow me away. I love that you cuddle with me. I am impressed that you are so into reading and wanting to learn to read all the words. You are doing so well at school and I am so happy that you have found your comfort in kindergarten. I know how frustrated you get when you are interrupted or don't have undivided attention when trying to say something. I hope I am being the mom you need me to be. I wouldn't change anything about you. I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you and all you add to our family. I love you.

Dear Haley,

This year I have seen you find a comfort zone in yourself. As my oldest child, all of your new phases are new to me as a parent. Thank you for bringing these life experiences to me. I admire that you like what you like, play with who you play with, wear what you want to wear (even though I argue about it sometimes- how are you not freezing sometimes?), read what you want to read, and participate in what you want to participate in. You are an old soul and I trust your sense of character in others. You are a good big sister by being Ryan's friend and playmate among other things.. I appreciate that you are playful and kind. You are responsible and are becoming more independent all the time.I love that you stay up past your bedtime because you can't put a book down. I am very much impressed with your incredible artistic talents. I cherish any moment you show physical affection as I know that you have never been very "touchy feely".You are changing, physically, and I hope that I am being the mom you need and that you feel comfortable to ask any questions you have. I wouldn't change anything about you. I hear you. I see you. I appreciate you and all you add to our family. I love you.

Dear Me,
This year was a year of reminding and relearning. I know I slipped back into some old ways in particular aspects of my life. These are things I have worked hard at and I feel I was tested with this year. I am recovering from my relapse and feel good about how I am going back to the way I worked so hard to be.  I want to model this for my children. When I ask the question, "Does this affect me or my family?", if the answer is no, my path is clear. I need to not spend time, energy or thoughts on issues that I have no control over. I have learned this lesson, more than once. Some lessons need to be relearned. I am proud that I have not hated my body this year, but have turned my thoughts into only loving ones that include appreciating all my body can do.I promise to spend more time on flexibility and core strength as well as meditation versus "super sweaty work outs" as I know it will pay off in the long run and gives me calm and peace in the present. I have done a good job at being consistent with my expectations for Haley and Ryan.Even though I am having a nice year at school, I know something needs to change. I think the work with Common Core will be exactly what I need to shake things up a bit. I take pride in who I choose to be in my life- all people who lift me and my family up and bring even more light into our lives. I'm bored with my hair. What should be next? And for Pete's sake, be in more pictures. The fact that I couldn't find a single, current photo is just pathetic. Other than that, I am happy with who I am and am proud that I continuously work on being better. I wouldn't change that about myself.

Dear Josh,
I feel like this year you hit the jackpot. Both literally (see above) and metaphorically. You are an extraordinary person and this year you seemed to just kind of burst out. You accomplish so much as a husband, father, son, brother, friend, and employee. This year people took notice. More than normal. It excites me. I admire how you have endless energy with the kids. I mean, who else can pretend, create new games, and wrestle for hours at a time? I cherish the way you communicate with me and that you really listen to and validate what I feel. You are incredibly funny. Ryan gets his awesome (and silly) sense of humor from you. You are thoughtful and kind and creative. You are an amazing role model for me and the kids.You teach us that we don't need to just think about our aspirations, but can go for them in the moment. Nothing stops you from going for what you want. I hope that I am the wife you need me to be. I wouldn't change anything about you.  I hear you. I see you. I appreciate you and all you add to our family. I love you.

The Russell Four- Let's rock 2014!

A Letter to My Family 2016

Dear Family,

It is that time of the year when I write to each member of our family. This year is special- as we each get a photo of us with Tata. He has been gone just over a month, but we feel him with us all the time.  Here it goes, youngest to oldest...

 Dear Buddy,
Look at you in Tata's arms. I know you loved being in his lap while he fed you food and rubbed your belly. Oh, Buddy. You're a crazy one. This year I am determined to train you to stop barking when I need you to. You are healing to me and our family. I love when you feel my feelings and just come up and plop your head down on me. I am so sorry that you are so skittish. I wish I could make you comfortable and not afraid of the world. I know it's getting better each year. Thanks for loving us. The kids still get so excited to see you and play with you. You're a good boy.

Dear Ryan,
Look at you with Tata. I know how special he is to you and how much you miss him. You guys were two peas in a pod. You would wrestle and make up games and stories. I could make a whole album of pictures of you guys snuggling up together. Don't ever forget his wrestling moves called the "butt ripper" and "nut cruncher". I would just shake my head when you played like that together. You are so lucky to have had him in your life and be so close.He loved being with you so much and was so proud to be your Tata.

You are simply delightful. Look how much you are growing and maturing! You have a passion for playing with your friends, and wrestling, and drawing. You are so good at expressing how you feel and what you are thinking. I wish I could get inside your brain when you are upset and help you process and express because I know you sometimes have reactions you can't control. You recognize this and always apologize after you calm down, without being prompted.  I so want to help you in those times. You are very creative and I wish I could keep up with your pretend games. You are talented at writing stories. I envy how you find something interesting, like sharks, and then dive into learning about them. You still CRACK US UP and still hold the championship for "Whoever Laughs First Loses". Your laughter is contagious. Other kids want to play with you because you are kind and inclusive and fun and funny. It's awesome that you love school and I see your organizational skills are improving big time! This year you said to me, "a lot of hard things have happened since I was 6..." I am sorry you have experienced the loss you have at such a young age. Please know that you are strong and resilient and brave. You are growing into the young man you are supposed to be. This is your journey and I am proud to be a part of it.  I hope you know how much I love you, but also know there is no way that you can. I am proud to be your mom.You bring me such joy. I hope I am being the mom you need me to be. I wouldn't change anything about you. I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you and all you add to our family. I love you. You are my light.

 Dear Haley,
Look at you with Tata! You are his first grandchild and boy, did he adore you. I know you had a special connection and loved to joke around. I'll never forget you guys joking and me thinking you went too far and he said, "Jen, stay out of it. This is how we do it between us". I loved when you would mention any boys and he would say, "what?! who? I'LL KILL HIM!" You guys would tease each other endlessly.You are so lucky to have had him as such a close person in your life. He was a role model to you and all his grandkids. He loved his time with you so much and was so proud to be your Tata.

You just got your first report card in middle school- straight As! You said that was your goal and you achieved it. So awesome. You are an awesome kid. You are finding your comfort zone with your social life and interactions. I worry about you sometimes and know I shouldn't. I worry that you hold things in and that they will fester and not be resolved.I want you to find your voice! I worry that you haven't found your passion, but I know you will.  I try to honor you when you feel frustrated with any given situation. You always have a smile on your face and you have an incredible attitude. You are easy going and kind and funny. You are so good with your younger cousins. I love our jokes about Miranda Sings. You love to laugh. You are a good friend. You have this beautiful quiet strength (like Tata).You are courageous and bold. You are growing into the young woman you are supposed to be. This is your journey and I am proud to be a part of it. I hope you know how much I love you, but also know there is no way that you can. I am proud to be your mom.You bring me such joy. I hope I am being the mom you need me to be. I wouldn't change anything about you. I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you and all you add to our family. I love you. You are my light.

Dear Me,
Look at me with my dad. He truly was the greatest man in my life. He modeled how to live. I know how proud he was of me as his daughter and mother to his grandchildren. I promise to focus and "be more like Jake". Damn, I miss him.

2016- I want to call it a horrible bitch of a year, but I can't. Too many wonderful things happened. It's weird to say that about this year- the year that included divorce and death, the two worst events in my life. It's true though. So many loving and positive things happened. I had unbelievably fun times and shared special occasions with my dad.  I met new people and started new friendships. Old friendships changed into stronger and/or renewed ones. I found my strength in ways I never knew I could. My kids made wonderful accomplishments. They are growing up and finding themselves and changing.We had awesome vacations that I will remember forever. I had experiences with students that I know made a difference. Family and friends are happy and healthy and here. All of these things make me an incredibly blessed woman.

I am ready to start dreaming new dreams instead of mourning old ones. I am ready to let go of things that are unjust. I am ready to live with even more intention than I ever have. I am ready to claim my life and own it as mine. I am ready to open myself up more and more. I am ready to be a better mom. I am ready to be a better teacher and friend and sister and aunt and daughter and cousin and niece. I am ready to discover more of myself than I knew before. I am ready for new adventures.. NO REGRETS. And when I am ready for something, I will do it. No obstacle can get in my way. 2017 is definitely mine for the taking. It doesn't mean there won't be unexpected challenges or loss. It just means I have more life experience and wisdom than I did before and I will be applying it.

I know how much I am loved, but also know there is no way that I can. I am proud to be who I am. I hope I am being the mom I need  to be. I am working on changing the things I want to change, but do not want to change anything about my soul.

#bemorelikejake
 Cheers to 2017!

A Letter to My Family 2019

I am going to call 2019 the year of leaps and bounds. That applies to all of us. Well, except Buddy, poor thing. Here is my annual letter to my family.


Buddy, Oh Buddy,
We love you. You are not the family pet we hoped you would be. We hoped you would feel safe in our love and care for you. We've had you for 5 and 1/2 years and you are no less skittish than day 1. You can keep growling and barking and nipping at us but we will love you still.

Ryan,

Wow, what a handsome young man you are. Your growth, in leaps and bounds, has been in many ways. The first way is in inches. You're getting so tall! You have made the huge transition from elementary to middle school. You are learning new levels of responsibilities through having several classes, taking the bus and walking home from school, and managing your assignments and due dates. You are learning more about independence and taking responsibility. You have matured so much and I stand back with pride as I observe you continue to grow. You remain the most creative human I know. You have a passion for movie making. I am in awe of the story lines you create as well as the production skills you have. I can't wait to walk you down the red carpet when you are nominated for Best Director! As Beverly Goldberg says, "You're the next Stephan (pronounced Stefawn) King!" haha. I'm very proud of who you continue to become- caring, funny, responsible- a young man of growing integrity. You are aware of the world and  sensitive to how people feel. I admire that about you.

I want you to know your worth. You are an incredible human.  I am here for you always. I love you in a way that can't be written down. I see you.  I would not change one thing about you. I pray that I am the mom you need me to be. You are my light. You are my heart. 

Haley,
Such a beauty. Your biggest growth this year has been in your sense of self. You have come into your own. I take joy in you experiencing all of what high school is about- close friendships, school events, changing relationships. You have blossomed so much- leaps and bounds, actually. You have become more of the things I saw in you as a young child- more outgoing, less shy, more confident in who you are, more solid. Your sense of humor is delightful. Your love of music is unparalleled. Your signature "kissy face peace sign" pose of 2019 should be retired and replaced by your beautiful smile. Hahaha! You are a wise young woman. I used to worry about you and your sense of peace and happiness. Those worries are long gone and now I just have normal "mom of a teenager" worries (mom worries never go away I heard). I admire how you stay clear of drama in a time that can be dramatic.

I want you to know your worth. You are an incredible human.  I am here for you always. I love you in a way that can't be written down. I see you.  I would not change one thing about you. I pray that I am the mom you need me to be. You are my light. You are my heart.

Me.

My leaps and bounds have been letting go of where I think I should be and how I think I should or should not be feeling.  I have been extremely impatient and frustrated at myself in parts of my journey because I felt I shouldn't feel certain things anymore. A good friend shared with me that life is chapters, even though we thought it would be one fluid story when we were younger and about to start our adult life.  A lot of what I believed would be, isn't. At the same time, so much is.
This year I have been truly happy. I am truly happy.  Fulfilled and at times feeling a void. Happy with moments of sadness. Surrounded by love and sometimes lonely. All of these feelings can and do coexist. They don't have to happen one at a time and feeling them does not take away from the joy and peace, which far outweigh anything negative.  I read a line in a book by Cheryl Strayed that really resonated,  "...acceptance asks only that you embrace what is true." For me, acceptance has included not only embracing what is true in how the details of my life have played out, but also allowing myself to feel  the losses when tapped into that part of my story, which is rather seldom.  I have no problem celebrating and accepting the positive feelings and need to do the same for all emotions.  It's okay and natural to have feelings of sorrow that I was living my biggest dream come true and the fate of that dream changed- because it's sad and always will be, not matter how much time passes. It doesn't just stay in the past, it is also my present. This permission to feel and not judge myself continues to liberate me. It's huge. It feels great to feel great. My life is beautifully rich.

                                 
Another year of life and growth in the books! I wouldn't change any of it. Cheers to 2020!

A Letter to My Family- 2022

 Time for the annual letter. Every year when I sit down to write this, I have so much to say and hope my words capture my heart. 

To Both of You Knuckleheads,

What a year we've had. You two light up my world in all the ways. My favorite time spent is with you, whether we are out on an adventure or just hanging out at home. You continue to make me proud of the people you are and are growing up to be. I'm your biggest cheerleader. Always.

My Dear Ryan,

High school! You're just finishing your first semester of your freshman year. You continue to grow and mature into a stellar young man. You are a typical teen in the sense that you hang mostly in your room, hang out with friends, do all the fun things at school, and prefer junk food over a balanced meal. You are atypical in your sensitivity and awareness in the world. You are naturally helpful and kind and well mannered. Your ability to make up words and names so naturally, cracks me up! Your creative mind still blows me away and I know that it will take you anywhere you want to go. I try so hard to honor your privacy and life as a teenager while still wanting to know about your life and wanting you to know that I'm here for anything you want or need. My highlight with you this year was the Imagine Dragons concert. It was just the two of us, laughing, singing, dancing, people watching, and soaking it all in. I admire your integrity as a human being. I enjoy your outstanding sense of humor. I adore our relationship. You fill my soul and I am so proud to be your mom. I love you.

                              

My Dear Haley,

I truly and fully cannot wrap my head around the fact that this is your senior year. The whole college application process, along with a few acceptances so far, have made all of it very real. You are a typical teen in that you love drama shows on TV, you have your crushes both celebrity and real life, and you have a fun friend group. You are atypical in that you are wise beyond your years and you hang out with me at home! haha. You are funny and sarcastic (which is also funny). You are responsible and self aware. Your hard work through the years has brought you to this place, where you will have options for next year. I have always tried to be there for you when and how you need. I admire your strong sense of self. My highlight with you this year has been our couch time- bonding, laughing, and crying over the shows or movies we have watched. Just being in the same space in that way brought me so much joy.  I adore our relationship. You fill my soul and I am so proud to be your mom. I love you.

                                

My Turn!

I think this first picture captures how I felt this year- the highest level of calm and peace in my soul. My heart is contented. My life feels solid. My kids are healthy and well. All of my relationships feel good. I have the best friends a gal could dream of. I have taken on new challenges at work that fuel my passion. I feel like I am living aligned with myself  and my values. The biggest highlight of the year was connecting with someone who has added pure joy to my life. I had been happy for quite some time before we met. Very happy, in fact. I am very picky about who I invite in, because when you live a happy life, why would you accept anything or anyone that brought it down even one degree? Well, with Dave the happiness has grown exponentially. He's funny, intelligent, thoughtful, easy going, and honest. It's been almost a year and I am enjoying every second of it. I'm proud of myself for opening my heart to someone who doesn't make it feel scary to do so. I cherish our connection.

                                 

Cheers to 2022. It was a year I won't forget. This blog has become birthdays and annual letters. I INTEND to be better. I really do!

A Letter to My Family-2024

 2024- Another year in the books.

To My Two Loves,

Being your mom, and what it means, changes every year. You change. Life changes. It's how it works! What does not change is my pride in you, nor my support of you, nor my love for you. 

Ryan,

This is year 2 of being the only child at home. I know you just LOVE all the attention. Haha! As you navigate your high school years in true teenage fashion, you seem to be able to stay calm and collected. As you become more of a man and less of a child, I find myself in a bit of a panic. I remember this exact feeling with Haley at this same age. Am I doing a good enough job for you?  Am I teaching you what I believe are important lessons? Are you learning lessons when they naturally come your way? Are you feeling the feelings when things happen? You seem so level headed and sure. I believe you are. I also want to remind you that if you're not (and you may not even be aware if you're not), that I'm here. You're so independent! Getting that driver's license has given you the gift of a new level of freedom. My new favorite words to hear from you are, "Mom, can everyone hang here tonight?". I am trying so hard not to have mom worry and to let you experience this phase of life as freely as possible- with rules and curfews of course! You test some waters, as kids your age do, and you have remained respectful throughout. I am grateful you are the young man you are while you figure things out. I love your dreamer's spirit. I enjoy your sense of humor. I admire what a socially aware and confident person you are. My heart is so happy with you around. Being your mom fills my soul. YEEEOOO!!

Haley,

Oh hey, girl! This has been the biggest year of growth of your entire life. You're living in another state for Pete's sake! As I looked through pictures to include on this post, I struggled to find any solo shots. You really are doing it. You are thriving and you deserve all of the great things that you have. You are managing school. You are learning about living on your own and navigating how it works with roommates. You and your roomies have taken on a "hosting" spirit by planning fun events and inviting others. You have this incredible energy about you. Your beauty is emanating. I know this doesn't mean everything is perfect. I know there are challenges for you. You are mature and self aware and continue to learn valuable life lessons about friendship and family and conflict. You're doing it with grace! When I get a text from you my spirit lights up. When I get updates on the phone, my heart is full. My heart is so happy when you're home. Being your mom fills my soul. 

This has been another year of health and growth and adventure for all of us. I have faced a few new challenges this year. This phase of motherhood, the one where your kids are independent in so many ways, is an interesting one to accept. My role has morphed and parenting small children is so different than parenting young adults. Do I have the right words to say? Am I being the support they need? What do they even need from me anymore? I remember driving Ryan to school on the morning of his driving test. I was aware enough to think to myself, "this could be the last day I drive my child to school." It was! And that's just different. Another chapter closed. 

I am also feeling it at work.  I am  not old enough for retirement, but feel ready for a change, but am not ready to leave my school. What does that mean?! Who knows? But like everything else, I'll know when it presents itself. We shall see! 

What's up with the random aches and pains and ailments? Being 47 is a real treat in that way.

In the meantime my life feels fulfilled in the ways that matter to me most. This new phase includes more time for me to decide how I want to spend it. Perhaps more self care is in order? The love I share with Dave is one we cherish and nurture. Things continue to go in the right direction at the right pace. It's a real deal and we've got a great thing going.  I'm surrounded by a strong loving family. I have a fiercely fun and loyal friend group. I am one blessed gal!