Christmas Morning

All was as it should have been Christmas morning. The 4 of us in our pajamas, together, healthy, growing, in a house full of love. Family all around, although not all physically together that day. I was filled with gratitude as yet again, I was reminded of my incredible life.

Mr. Ham

Looks like Ryan really is Josh's little Mini Me. He proves it more and more each day. The week before vacation, Ryan had his holiday performance for school. This was on a stage in front of LOTS of families. 

 He sang his heart out. I know I haven written about it before, but is there anything better than children singing holiday songs? It's the best!

This was Ryan's first performance and he got right into it. He was smiling and singing.

 This is where the "Josh" comes in. Once he saw us smiling and laughing he really hammed it up for the reaction. He was sticking his face forward to be seen from behind other students. And who was cracking up in the audience? Yes, that would be Josh. And so the cycle began. Ryan over acting (ahem, cough, JOSH) and Josh laughing at every move.

It was joyful. My cheeks hurt from smiling all night. Here he is with his two wonderful teachers this year.

A Cousin Christmas

 Yes, I posted a picture of cocktails first. This year was going to be my year. I felt confident, even cocky. For the past several years I have come in 2nd place in our annual drink contest in Yuba City. This year I had a drink that tasted great, was rimmed with green sugar to complete the christmas colors (thanks for the idea Caithlin) and had glowing cubes in each glass. WINNER! Nope. 2nd place. AGAIN. By 1 point. Yes, Debbie's drink was divine, but the glowing cube people! Oh, well. Next year is my year.

 It was another fabulous celebration with the family. This weekend together is such a highlight of the holiday season each year. The kids get so excited to see the "big cousins" and have a sleep over.

 Here are all the kids. The oldest 4 were the flower girls and ring bearers in our wedding. Now, all young men and women.

 Look at these handsome guys!

 The Baldwin family. 

 Cousin fun!

Giggles with Tata.

What's Become Clear?

Every week, during my work in the Masters program, our professor would start the class with, "What's become clear since last we met?"- and yes, he said the words in that order. In this last week, one filled with sadness for me personally and for the nation as a whole, a few things have surfaced for me. Some are new clarifications for me, while others needed to be dusted off in my brain.
I don't want to forget:

1. Life is precious- PRECIOUS. This sounds so cliche but it just is. My children are part of my being. They are healthy and alive and thriving and I try not to take that for granted. The universe made them a bit more trying than usual this weekend. This was no mistake. Every time my frustration started to rise, I knew there was a parent who would give anything to be frustrated with their child. My awareness was high this weekend.

2. I am spiritual. The serenity prayer really works for me. I am not clear on "accepting the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference." I need to work on this in my life. I know I can change anything that I control (my actions and my reactions). I cannot change anyone. Period. Hmm, maybe I am clearer than I think on this?

3. I will not talk to my brother when he is using. The hours our family logged trying to save him from himself- what we thought was providing support- were wasted on deaf ears. He cannot hear when he is using. There is no reasoning, debating, "heart to hearts."

The cycle has been that we have put all of our efforts in when he is off the wagon. We try to show him he is loved and supported. Then, after a crisis, we are all exhausted by him and extremely resentful, sad and hurt. I then need a break from him and as he gets sober, I don't want to talk to him. From now on I will not speak to him when he's using. I will not give up my family time. I will offer him a ride to rehab. I will save the supportive and loving words for when he is clean. I poured my heart out to him. He told a variety of lies. He will not remember. He has no idea the damage he causes. It's not my job to tell him.

4. I carry stress in my body, especially my lower back. I rarely feel stressed in my brain, if that makes sense. I think everyone is like this, right? Tight shoulders? Headaches? It's clear that my stress is in my lower back. It was tight for 3 weeks straight. I stretched a lot. It's no surprise that it feels better since we are out of crisis mode.

5. I need to meditate more. I need to meditate regularly. It works for me. It affects me positively in so many ways.


5. I have faith in humanity. I don't like when such a small population of our human race causes people to lose faith in others. When those people do unfathomable things, it shoots to the top of our fears. One person attacked an entire nation last week. It was catastrophic. I watched some of the memorial yesterday and I saw a diverse people come together beautifully. Everyone is grieving, crossing over all of the religious and cultural lines that often divide. Most people are good. Normal people become heroes as they act for other humans, putting others first. I believe in peace.

This holiday season all of my blessings are heightened to a new level in my awareness. These things are clear and I will work hard to keep them from blurring.

Love is Hard

This is not really true in most aspects of my life. I find love to be rather easy, actually. However, love is not simple with my brother Jason.
He has begun his cycle of addiction just days after being released. We all feel like we've been punched in the gut. My focus is to not go down with him. Instead I am TRYING to focus on just loving him. He is not harming me or my family. He is doing it to himself. His lies are unbearable, but they wouldn't be if we didn't get upset every single time he told them.

So, as the pattern of addiction continues for my brother, I grieve his loss once more. I hold hope that he will one day experience life as I do. I am focused on loving him and showing him only that emotion.

I sent this to my mom this morning-

There's a quote on my desk

Every child needs love, especially when they don't deserve it.

Jason needs love. It feels impossible to love him and that is where I am channeling my energy- in trying to love him. I can make this cycle different for myself.

 

She wrote back:

It reminds me of A Raisin in the Sun, when the brother spends his sister's college money on a scam and the mom asks the furious sister to love her brother...

There is always something left to love. And if you ain't learned that, you ain't learned nothing. Have you cried for that boy today? I don't mean for yourself and for the family 'cause we lost the money. I mean for him: what he has been through and what it done to him. Child, when do you think is the time to love somebody the most? When they done good and made things easy for everybody? Well, then, you ain't through learning--because that ain't the time at all. It's when he's at his lowest and can't believe in hisself 'cause the world done whipped him so!

 

Inhale...exhale...