As I used it, with music blasting in my ears, I found it extremely therapeutic. I watched how layers of dirt that had accumulated over time were just blasted away. Why can't life work this way? You work on something and get immediate results. You see the crap literally get washed away to reveal a fresh and clean under layer. Man, it was so damn satisfying.
This last week provided a culmination of experiences that resulted in another one degree shift in my life- making it life changing. It could be old news to you, but that one degree helps get me more aligned with myself- the one I strive to be. This one degree gives me a new understanding about my life and feels like my soul connects more with my beliefs/actions/behaviors. The shift I felt was that my life events may not be ones I "get over", but I am happy and joyful and fulfilled even with them remaining as part of my story. Their existence permeates and affects current life. Peace can coexist with your toughest personal life experiences. This is hugely freeing for me- another step forward.
Years ago my cousin sent me a song I had never heard before and simply texted, "this is you" with the song attached. The song was A Little Bit Stronger, by Sara Evans. It became my life song for quite sometime. Last week, two friends who have been there through my unexpected journey, treated me to her concert at a small venue in town. I knew that Sara Evans and I had the same story in our love lives and I knew she would be singing the song that was once my anthem. She also has a newer album out. As she sang songs from this album and tears ran down my face because she was signing from MY heart, I realized that the impact had not gone away- that it doesn't go away. I was not alone in feeling the way I feel a year and a half after losing my dad and years after the end of my marriage, the beginning of shared time with my kids, still not understanding any of it and having to accept that, having so many intimate years and now barely knowing my previous partner in the present time.
Her performance was hauntingly beautiful and the lyrics assisted me in taking another step in my realization that we don't get over things. We carry them with us even when uninvited and unwanted. We learn to live with them. It is neither negative nor positive. It is just fact. They are a part of us along with every other life experience.
Over a year ago I had been waiting and waiting to "feel better." I even told my therapist that I was waiting for this pit to go away when I say goodbye to my kids for 2 or 3 nights at a time. She blankly and bluntly asked me why I thought that would ever be going away and I was a bit speechless. She said, "That pit will stay with you because now is not a natural time in life that you would be missing time with your children. Perhaps that pit will go away when they go off to college when it's natural timing to not be with them all the time. But you can learn to live with the pit, carry it with you, be happy even when it's there."
Well, shit.
We all have shifts throughout life, but may not recognize them. The shift could be moving us forward or pulling us back.
Shifts occur in every life event. I was never the same again after I graduated. I was never the same again after I started teaching. I was never the same again after I got married. I was never the same again after I became a mother. I was never the same again when I...
You can't be the same. Because you're not. The shift happens, whether it be minuscule or gigantic.
So many of my life shifts I didn't mind having, because they were all positive. They all had great impact and I embraced them. It was only when personal trauma hit that I mourned my old life and my old self. I never felt grief about a new phase of my life when I was growing in ways I chose. Such an important insight for me to recognize and apply today.
Then, days after the concert last week, I saw the clip below and it displayed my experience in a way I had never seen or heard- that the loss (whatever loss that may be) touches every aspect of your life. Your life builds around it. It fades and brightens, but NEVER goes away. It gave me such relief. I can accept that. I was living trying to erase it from my heart and soul like that damn power washer. Blast it right out. That is not possible.
I am simply not the same as I was. As is with every life event. Always. And that is okay to accept and embrace.
This is the video clip that nails it
I am greeted with my grief at some point every single day. My dad is with me in my heart and mind more than once a day. I wake every morning and there is a flash of thought- are my kids in their beds down the hall or are they across town? It's so unnatural for a parent to have that thought. Most times the grief lightly taps me on the shoulder someplace like the shower, just reminding me that it is part of my life, and then joins the rest of the water down the drain. Other, rare times it hides behind a corner and whacks me square in the knees. Sometimes it stays for a bit- minutes, an hour, longer. Most times it's a flash, like a blink. It's been this way for quite awhile and I wonder if this just is what it is and will be.
...Because I am happy. My kids are happy. I feel pure joy. I am not distracted. I rarely cry. I rarely get riled up. And my sadness and grief reside among those feelings. Hence the video clip!
I look around and EVERY. SINGLE. HUMAN experiences grief and trauma. Mine is nothing compared to others'. Others' are nothing compared to mine. It doesn't matter.
I have always found it easy to love life. Still do! Sure, we can't power wash the gunk away like we'd like to.
But, I can wash my front walkway and bedroom balcony. Sparkling!
Onward. Forward. Upward.
* Note- I was debating on which blog to write this post. This is my family blog that I will be gifting the kids when they are adults. I wanted this message to be read by them. They'll learn more about me and maybe more about themselves at that time. Written with heart.
