Confrontation- It's Never Fun

Today we met up with some families from Haley's school for a play day at the beach. The weather was PERFECT and the company, even better.
When we arrived in Santa Cruz we drove up and saw that a person was just getting into his car. Parking is not easy at this beach and the fact that we found a spot right up front and wouldn't need to drive around the neighborhood and park blocks away, made me happy.

Do you see where this is going?

I waited, with my blinker on, for approx 3 minutes while the man packed it all up and reversed out of his spot. Just then I saw a car pull forward that just came down the street. Her friend was waving her into the spot. I honked my horn, the friend looked at me, and continued to wave her in. I honked again as the woman pulled into the spot.

As an adult, I am not afraid of confrontation. I don't prefer it, but I don't fear it. As a kid, I avoided it like the plague.

The woman acted as though she was on the phone when she started unloading her car. I honked the horn again and rolled down my window.

Me: Hi. I've been waiting for that spot for 3 minutes.
Her: I'm sorry? I can't hear you.

Yes, because I am a very quiet woman.

Me (louder): I've been waiting for that spot with my blinker on, for 3 minutes.
Her: I'm sorry, I didn't see you.
Me: Ok...well, I was waiting.
Her: I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
Me:........
Her: Do you expect me to move?
Me: I think you should do what you think is right.
Her...kept unloading her car.

Now, this was really not about a parking spot. It's the fact that it was unjust. I understand she didn't see me, even though her friend did. I gave her the opportunity to make it right. I know that if it was reversed, I would move out of the spot. In fact, I have done that before.

I found parking elsewhere. Then Haley asked why I yelled at that woman. I told her the only reason I raised my voice was because she said she couldn't hear me. I told her that the woman made a mistake.

We got down to the beach and our group was close to hers. She avoided me completely. I didn't like that the day started that way. The kids were playing and having fun. I decided that I was going to say something to the woman and I wanted the kids with me.

I walked over to her and she was visibly uncomfortable.

Me: I just wanted to come over and say that I'm sorry we started our day that way.
Her (visibly relieved that she was not about to take a lashing, exhaled and put her hand to her heart): I'm sorry too. I really am. I didn't see you and I know how frustrating that is when you have two kids in the car.

Now, a younger me would have retaliated with "but your friend saw me and I told you I was waiting and you STILL didn't move."

Me: Thank you for your apology. I appreciate it.
Her: Enjoy the day at the beach.
Me: Yes, it's beautiful, you enjoy it too.

I did the right thing. I was not sorry that I honked my horn and said something to her. I was not sorry about the words I chose. I was not sorry that I approached her later and I was not sorry that my kids saw every part of the interaction and that I interrupted their play time to come with me to talk with her.

I was sorry that the day started like that, so my words to her were sincere. I am sure she was surprised I approached her afterwards and said what I did.

We had a gorgeous day at the beach.

I am proud I was much calmer than the bathroom line on New Year's Eve 1999- a classic tale of the injustice of cutting in line. :)

Parenting- It's Damn Hard

This family made raising a family look easy. When a mistake was made, the lesson was learned immediately with an "Oh golly gee Mom, I'm real sorry. I never thought of it that way. It won't happen again." AND IT DIDN'T!

I became a mom in 2005. I parent every day of my life and realize I will for the rest of my life. It's hard work. REALLY hard work. What I mean by that is even on the easiest day -no whining, fighting, melt downs- there are all of these moments that require parenting or little lessons. Unlike the Cleavers (and if you don't know "Leave it To Beaver" go check out a few minutes of one episode), things don't always wrap up with a smile in 30 minutes.

When I first had Haley I read a lot. I had books on hand to read about feeding, bathing, sleeping and developmental stages. As funny as this sounds, books and magazine articles and the Internet were not the best approach for me. It made me question my parenting and question my child's abilities. It made me insecure and who needs that as a new parent? So, I stopped reading as much and starting observing. I watched parents interact with their kids. I listened to tones. I saw moms and dads get down to the child's level and look them in the eye. I watched as a parent would take their child aside and speak to him versus yelling across the way or disciplining him in front of everyone. I also saw behaviors I wanted to stay away from (telling children they are being ridiculous for not wanting to ride a roller coaster or put their faces in the water).

I took what I liked and left what I didn't. I still do this all of the time. I have been so surprised at the things that I find hard to teach. My children have manners, but how do I teach them to BE grateful? How do I instill a value system that is consistent with ours? Why can you describe someone as tall, thin, by eye color or hair color, by what they are wearing, but not fat or by the color of their skin? 


I have been surprised at how parenting is an on the spot job. You don't know what the day will bring you, what will come out of your children's mouths, how they will act or react. Josh and I parent from our values and approaches we find natural and from what we've seen from, what we consider, good parenting.

A good friend just went to a speaker night about parenting. The speaker explained that we should raise our families with a goal in mind. Of course we want it all- well rounded, well adjusted, smart kids. She explained to pick the three values that are most important to you and drive those home. Josh and I talked about it and it was not easy as we listed so many things! We decided on our top 4 (couldn't leave it at 3)
We want our kids
1. to be kind
2. to be respectful
3. to have self worth
4. to live by a set of morals/ values that we find just

She said to keep those things in mind when parenting and wanting an outcome with your children and to base all decision making on those goals. Interesting and makes sense!!
Being a mom is the best job I've ever had. It's cliche, but it's true. I am always learning and reflecting. I have old posts about my thoughts here and here.
I am doing the best I can. My kids know that we love them. That feels good.

Now, wouldn't it be an awesome "Saturday Night Live" skit to have the Cleavers deal with Wally on drugs or The Beave in jail or Mr. Cleaver gong through a midlife crisis or Mrs. Cleaver hitting menopause? Something to make them real!!

4

Ryan Joshua Russell joined our family June 11, 2008

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4

Ryan is: happy, funny, spunky, sensitive, friendly, stubborn, loving, active, cuddly, loyal, grateful, smart.

He is not: patient, mean spirited, boring, about to put his face under water.

We had a great time celebrating with friends at the park yesterday. Ryan even got a phone call from Spiderman himself!

This morning we opened presents and had cake and tonight we will celebrate with family.
Can't believe he is 4. I'm a proud Mama today.

Do People Really Live Like This?

For the past 3 days I have been on my own during the day. My last day of school was Friday, Ryan's last day was today, and Haley's is on Friday. It has been heavenly to drive them in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. I love being on campus at drop off and pick up and seeing them off each morning. I have had about 5 hours to myself each of these days.

Day 1- got carpets cleaned, scheduled a delivery that has been hard to schedule since it needed a signature (wine), cleaned out kitchen cabinets and pantry.

Day 2- hair cut and pedicure, lunch, and browsing at Santana Row.

Day 3- Get some breakfast with Josh before taking him to the airport for San Antonio for the next few days, take my car in for some maintenance which included walking after dropping it off and walking to pick it up- all at a leisurely pace, and lunch with work friends in Los Gatos.

It has been awesome. I keep asking myself, "do people really live like this?" I know stay at home moms don't when their kids are at home. That job is non stop and leaves no time to oneself. But people not in that situation? Do they get so much done? Do they have a perfect mixture of leisure and task mastering?

The first time this ever crossed my mind was when I was on maternity leave with Haley. I remember thinking, "everyone is at work, so this is a perfect time to go to the mall." Then I was shocked to not find a parking spot and find the mall buzzing with people! What?! People run errands during the day? They meet up with others and have long lunches? I have only know the school schedule my whole life, first as a student and then as a teacher. I have never worked a job where you go somewhere for lunch or go in late so I always assumed everyone was at work when I was.

I love my job and the time it gives to my family. Being in my 3 day fantasy world, where the day was mine for the taking, was pretty darn fabulous.

And now we venture on with our summer time together. I am giddy with excitement. More to come...

The Russell Four

I have not given an update on our family in awhile, so here it is...

 Ryan- biggest sense of humor. He still is our entertainment at the dinner table. He is just so silly and we all love to laugh with him. He turns 4 this month. I am going to be cliche and say, "what? Really? 4?" He is all about wrestling with Haley, Daddy, Tata or Grandpa. He loves instruments. He is totally into anything Super Hero. He has awesome manners. He loses his patience if you don't answer him even when you don't think what he is saying needs a response (saying "ok" is not always acceptable).
Favorite recent quote, " What's up dog?" Don't know where that came from.

 Me- Yesterday was my last day of school. Did I go into teaching for the summers off? That's absurd (and even if someone did, they would leave the profession once they realized that the work is too hard to only keep it for unpaid summers off). Do I find it a wonderful perk? ABSOLUTELY! My favorite moment of summer vacation will be tomorrow night- that first Sunday when my mind won't switch over at about 7:00 to work mode. My mind will be care free! I had a great year and look forward to the time off with my family. We are camping, going to Tahoe (perhaps twice) and Josh and I are going to Cancun for a WEEK to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary. We booked the trip n November and can't believe we are almost there. 7 days alone, waking up when we want, spending the day doing whatever...can't wait!

Josh- He is awesome. This week I posted on Facebook (I tend not to post a lot) thanking the woman who introduced us 15 years ago. I don't know why I don't write about him more and as I write this I am committing to do so. The man is amazing. I am very much in love with this handsome, funny, intelligent, outgoing, friendly, kind hearted soul. He is a fabulous father. He has a wonderful work ethic and is well respected in his work community. I love going somewhere and running into people he knows and getting rave reviews about him. He makes me proud. He makes me happy.
Favorite recent quote, " Gotta do the summer shave down for all the ladies." Yes, because when I am not around, apparently ladies are all over him.

 Haley has one more week in first grade. I wrote about her Author's Night but you can also see what her Grandpa had to say on his book blog here. Haley is sweet, sensitive and LOVES to laugh. She really does remind me of me. Another cliche thing to say? She enjoys life so much. She is smart and kind and respectful. She loves writing stories, drawing pictures and reading books. She doesn't like being the first one picked up from a party. She'd prefer to be the last in order to not miss out on ANY of the fun. Again, she reminds me of me. I tend to be a little bit social :)
Favorite recent quote, " How did the baby get inside Auntie's tummy?" Always a fun one.

There it is- the update on The Russell Four. We make a good team. Onward to new adventures!