Pinecrest 2015

My favorite trip every year. This summer was different, but still beautiful. This spot is so special to me for so many reasons. I love that I share it with family and friends each year. If only I could get more campsites and invite EVERYONE!

One Direction

For Haley's 10th birthday she got a ticket to see One Direction with 2 of her closest friends. And, of course, the moms went too. SO FUN! Yes, this is from July- I am catching up!

If/Then- A Pivotal Day in My Life

Yesterday was the day before Thanksgiving. The first Thanksgiving that our family would be splitting. The first Thanksgiving I would wake up without my kids. The beginning of the holiday season. 

On this day before the holiday, I woke up and just broke down in tears. This is not something I do much anymore these days. I just stayed in bed and soaked my pillow as I leaned into the grief I was feeling. I reached out to a few friends and let them know I was hurting and to just keep me in their hearts that day.

Within an hour later, I had gone on a quick run, snuck back to cozy up in bed, and then the kids were back home. I let them relax for awhile and then it was go time! We were baking and cleaning for Thanksgiving. Haley was making a pecan pie from scratch and Ryan was making lemon bars. We were blasting Michael Jackson and baking together. All felt right. It felt festive and light and full of love. I smiled and soaked in this time with the kids.

And then I went to open the corn syrup...

 This ingredient was essential to our pie making. The bottle was stuck. And I mean stuck. I am fairly strong and can problem solve most things. Opening a bottle has never been an issue and if it was, I would just hand it to Josh. I went to open this bottle and it was tough. It wasn't budging. I thought to myself, "You can open this, Jen. You can open this stuck bottle." I tried again. "Come on. This is a sign. If you can open this bottle you can do anything." Grabbed a towel and tried again. " Fuck! Open this fucking bottle, Jen! It's a symbol of life! DO IT!" Nothing.

I had to have it opened. So, I marched outside, in my sweats, determined to go to neighbors' homes until I got it open. I saw the mailman right away. I walked up and asked him, kindly, to open the bottle. He struggled with it a few times (thank God) and finally opened it.

I walked back in the house with the biggest smile on my face. "Jen. That bottle was indeed a symbol. It's ok to ask for help. Sometimes you will need it and that's ok. Because when you need it, you will get it. And THAT is a symbol of life."

The day went on and we cooked and cleaned and showered.

The kids were going with Josh at 4:00 and I was heading to the city to see "If/Then." The week before, I had decided to buy myself a single ticket to this show in San Francisco. It starred Idina Menzel and it was something I wanted to do for myself.

 The entire intention of the evening was to take myself to the city and treat myself to a nice glass of wine and the show. Again it would be a symbol of independence.

The premise of the show is that it follows a woman's life which could have gone 2 ways. It was incredible! It was written for me in this moment in my life. The messages were clear and poignant and beautiful. The music was touching and the talent was beyond- I saw 4 original Broadway cast members.

The story touched my soul as it sent so many messages of knowing that life is life and you cannot ever second guess or wonder "what if?" At one point the main character said, "We only have this life. It's time to stop wondering about how it would be to live any other." WOW.

A few songs really hit home. Especially one titled, "What Would You Do?" The song asks if you knew how things would work out, would you still choose it? If you knew the pain you would have as the result of a relationship, would you still take that path? Would you allow yourself to fall in love with that person again?

Tears just streamed down my face because I, simply stated, have no regrets. I would do it all again for so many reasons.

Let me rewind a bit...as I planned my evening of independence, 2 ladies from work let me know that they bought 2 tickets last minute. They asked if we wanted to all drive up together even though we wouldn't be sitting in the show together. We had a great time talking and laughing and dining together before the show.

I wondered why my night alone turned into an impromptu ladies night with 2 women I rarely get to see outside of school. What was the message here? It was clear that it happened this way because I am not alone. No matter how sad I feel or low I get or lonely I feel sometimes- I am not alone and never will be. I don't have to do things by myself to prove to myself that I can do it. I can choose alone time or choose together time. I will always have someone to open a bottle if it gets stuck. I will always have someone to join me if I don't want to be by myself. I am independent and that is so much different than being alone.

I am surrounded and supported and extremely loved. That is and always will be. The time I have to myself can stay that way or can be filled by people who love me and are loved by me.

This Thanksgiving was different. It was foreign. It was definitely "If/Then" feeling. I feel comfortable in traditions. I am learning to be better with change- to accept it and breathe with it.

 Yesterday was a pivotal day in my healing.

I know I will be good. I don't know when or what it looks like, but I 100% know it to be true.

This day was gifted to me from my angels. I got clear, solid messages.

 This is my path and my journey.

My life is EXACTLY as it should be.

The Best Day of My Life

Have you ever been asked what the best day of your life is? I used to throw it around when talking and reminiscing about certain days and times- "Yes! Best day ever!" or "That was the best day of my life"

I changed my answer a couple of years ago and I thought about if it still holds true for me and it does.

I realize that today is, in fact, the best day of my life. This is why this is true. No matter what today is, good or bad, happy or sad, sick or healthy, tired or energetic- it holds with it, every single day in the past.
Today is one more day of life experience.
Today is one more day with my kids.
 Today is one more day of love.
Today I am a more experienced teacher.
Today I am a more empathetic friend.
Today I am a more experienced mom.
Today I am stronger than yesterday.
Today I am wiser than yesterday.
Today I have in my heart, all of the wonderful memories and life experiences that make me who I am and continue to become.

Today IS the best day of my life...until tomorrow.

Class of 1995

Last month I had my 20 year high school reunion. I know I have written about this before, but I LOVED high school. All 4 years were a blast. I know it was because I was involved in school and had great friends.

The weekend began on Friday night. Taryn flew in from AZ. We had a reunion of sorts for friends that weren't attending the reunion or weren't in our class. I hosted a happy hour at our house and then we walked downtown. The night included me, Tayrn, Sarah, Kristin, and Jena. It was a night full of  chaos and we honestly couldn't stop laughing. We relived old memories and entertained each other all night. God, it was just pure joy.

Reunion night we stopped by the high school to take a picture with the sign. It was Homecoming night so that added to the nostalgia.





The reunion was just so fun. I walked around from area to area and talked to several people. It was awesome to hear where people are and what everyone is doing. It was also fun to share old memories and hear things we had forgotten about. There was an awesome playlist playing- all songs from 1991-1995. I thanked the person who did it and the next week in the mail I got a USB with all the songs. How cool is that?



There were photos on the tables and all around. Meredith's head looks weird here, but it's because the photo was bent. That's us at senior prom.

Our cheerleading crew my senior year. I loved being a part of this. Not only did I enjoy the school spirit and the competition, but the feeling of a team through these 4 specific years in life. We worked hard and had each other's backs on campus. I will never forget the feeling of being a freshman and having a senior interact with me on campus. Nothing felt better or more inclusive.
These girls were my family of sorts. We spent long hours together and worked hard. So many amazing memories are forever in my heart.

Found this picture and laughed. The Homecoming King (my high school sweetheart) wasn't able to ride the float with me so I had this dummy next to me so I wouldn't ride alone. His crown fell down. oops!

I can't believe it's been 20 years. I cherish my high school experience for so many reasons. It was delightful to see so many faces associated with that time in my life. The people who organized it did an amazing job.

Can't wait for the 30th!

Mourning

With any loss, you mourn. You mourn the loss of what you once had. You mourn the loss of your dreams and what you thought the future held. Although we never know what life holds for us, my dreams were so clear, so vivid. I could see what life events would look like and the love involved in it all.

Imagine you are on a run and you can see the entire path ahead of you. You see the beauty of the nature that surrounds you and what you will see coming up.

Then life happens and the whole view fades to a blank road ahead and the path drops like a ledge of the Grand Canyon. That path is no longer an option. It is no longer the way. It's a blank space.

I have written before about how it took me by surprise when no one really talked about the hardships of parenthood. It was taboo to say that kids can be shitty and hard and we, as parents, have no idea what we are doing. I remember feeling alone until I voiced my thoughts and so many agreed. I felt so connected to the show "Parenthood" because it truly represented real life. :)

The same goes with marriage. I had NO IDEA that this type of loss was so grand and complicated. There are thoughts and feelings and processes you cannot fathom. I do get stronger all the time as I go through the phases of grief. But while I feel settled in one area, a new one creeps up.

The current one is one I never saw coming. It is one of the saddest losses I have experienced. It is the loss of my old self. I will never be the same woman again. This is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I know it's not bad. But that Jennifer is gone and I really liked her.The things I will miss most about her are her life of innocence, the dreamer who had reality backing up her dreams, the simple thoughts about life and love, the lightness. I am confident that most of these things will return, but they will be different. They will have a different life experience to back them up.They will not be naive or innocent.

Here is the beautiful thing. SO MUCH of me remains- all the best parts really. In fact, with hard work, I know that I have truly been evolving throughout my adult life. The difference is that it was always by choice. I never mourned the loss of an old me, because I chose what to work on and change for myself. Recently I have been launched into change that I did not want. It makes the fight that much harder, but I'm in it.

This is life. I am learning the true meaning of that all of the time. I grieve the loss of that playful, light, not-a-care-in-the-world-Jen. But she lives inside the new Jen and is surrounded by new layers of life.

I want, so badly, for my kids to know that they should always be true to themselves. I am trying to model that for them.
In that, we all need to know that our "self" is changing all of the time. Whether that change is our choice or not, we ALWAYS can choose to handle it.

My friend, Kim, gave me a quote at the very beginning of all this. I say it in my head every day...
"I may not love the situation, but I will love myself in the situation."

I want to model for Haley and Ryan to always love themselves in the situation- no matter what it is. It's ok to grieve loss. It's also essential to rebuild and build upon the best parts of us to create the best versions of ourselves.

The path ahead is blank, but when I see it, it is bright- filled with light.

I grieve the old me, but feel myself evolving into Jen 2.0. Trust me. You want to meet her out for drinks!

Oprah- 1 Year Ago

When a monumental event changes the course of your life, you spend a lot of time reflecting. At times I find myself thinking about this time last year and where I was and what I didn't know was happening and about to happen. It's a crazy thing to process, but I know it's all part of it.

One year ago this weekend, I had a life changing experience with the Oprah weekend. You can read about it here. 

Little did I know how much that weekend would be acting as a preparation of things to come in my own life. The weekend was a time to reflect, recognize and plan for how to live life from that moment on. The focus was gratitude and purpose. I shared that weekend with 4 other women in my life.

What I took away from that weekend was that I was on the right track - living in a state of gratitude and being very purposeful about every aspect of my life.

One year ago, all was right in my life.
The world was my oyster.
I was grateful.
I was purposeful in my marriage, in motherhood, in my job, with my friends, and with my family.
I knew what I wanted and felt ambitious.
I felt the power of love from my head to my toes.
I felt rich in life, in friendships, in love, in family, in friends.
I was a lover of life- every single aspect of it.
Everything that mattered to me was in place in my life.
I was beyond fulfilled.

It has been a year since this event and 8 months since a huge shift in the circumstances of my life. I am reflecting about the weekend and looking over my notes and remembering the high I had from the whole experience. I am asking myself, "How has that weekend helped, in any way, with what I have been experiencing?" This is how- I am looking at my current attitude and current beliefs and this is my truth...

All is exactly as it should be in my life.
The world is my oyster.
I am grateful.
I am purposeful in motherhood, in my job, with my friends, and with my family. To add, I am realizing a new mother in me- a better and stronger and more fierce one.
I know what I want and feel ambitious.
 I feel the power of love from my head to my toes.
I feel rich in life, in friendships, in love, in family, in friends- more than I ever have.
I am a lover of life- every single aspect of it.
Everything that is important in life is in place in my life.
Even with loss and the grieving that comes with it,  I am beyond fulfilled.

Will you look at that? As much as can change in a year, the core of me hasn't changed at all. That feels so good in my soul.