If/Then- A Pivotal Day in My Life

Yesterday was the day before Thanksgiving. The first Thanksgiving that our family would be splitting. The first Thanksgiving I would wake up without my kids. The beginning of the holiday season. 

On this day before the holiday, I woke up and just broke down in tears. This is not something I do much anymore these days. I just stayed in bed and soaked my pillow as I leaned into the grief I was feeling. I reached out to a few friends and let them know I was hurting and to just keep me in their hearts that day.

Within an hour later, I had gone on a quick run, snuck back to cozy up in bed, and then the kids were back home. I let them relax for awhile and then it was go time! We were baking and cleaning for Thanksgiving. Haley was making a pecan pie from scratch and Ryan was making lemon bars. We were blasting Michael Jackson and baking together. All felt right. It felt festive and light and full of love. I smiled and soaked in this time with the kids.

And then I went to open the corn syrup...

 This ingredient was essential to our pie making. The bottle was stuck. And I mean stuck. I am fairly strong and can problem solve most things. Opening a bottle has never been an issue and if it was, I would just hand it to Josh. I went to open this bottle and it was tough. It wasn't budging. I thought to myself, "You can open this, Jen. You can open this stuck bottle." I tried again. "Come on. This is a sign. If you can open this bottle you can do anything." Grabbed a towel and tried again. " Fuck! Open this fucking bottle, Jen! It's a symbol of life! DO IT!" Nothing.

I had to have it opened. So, I marched outside, in my sweats, determined to go to neighbors' homes until I got it open. I saw the mailman right away. I walked up and asked him, kindly, to open the bottle. He struggled with it a few times (thank God) and finally opened it.

I walked back in the house with the biggest smile on my face. "Jen. That bottle was indeed a symbol. It's ok to ask for help. Sometimes you will need it and that's ok. Because when you need it, you will get it. And THAT is a symbol of life."

The day went on and we cooked and cleaned and showered.

The kids were going with Josh at 4:00 and I was heading to the city to see "If/Then." The week before, I had decided to buy myself a single ticket to this show in San Francisco. It starred Idina Menzel and it was something I wanted to do for myself.

 The entire intention of the evening was to take myself to the city and treat myself to a nice glass of wine and the show. Again it would be a symbol of independence.

The premise of the show is that it follows a woman's life which could have gone 2 ways. It was incredible! It was written for me in this moment in my life. The messages were clear and poignant and beautiful. The music was touching and the talent was beyond- I saw 4 original Broadway cast members.

The story touched my soul as it sent so many messages of knowing that life is life and you cannot ever second guess or wonder "what if?" At one point the main character said, "We only have this life. It's time to stop wondering about how it would be to live any other." WOW.

A few songs really hit home. Especially one titled, "What Would You Do?" The song asks if you knew how things would work out, would you still choose it? If you knew the pain you would have as the result of a relationship, would you still take that path? Would you allow yourself to fall in love with that person again?

Tears just streamed down my face because I, simply stated, have no regrets. I would do it all again for so many reasons.

Let me rewind a bit...as I planned my evening of independence, 2 ladies from work let me know that they bought 2 tickets last minute. They asked if we wanted to all drive up together even though we wouldn't be sitting in the show together. We had a great time talking and laughing and dining together before the show.

I wondered why my night alone turned into an impromptu ladies night with 2 women I rarely get to see outside of school. What was the message here? It was clear that it happened this way because I am not alone. No matter how sad I feel or low I get or lonely I feel sometimes- I am not alone and never will be. I don't have to do things by myself to prove to myself that I can do it. I can choose alone time or choose together time. I will always have someone to open a bottle if it gets stuck. I will always have someone to join me if I don't want to be by myself. I am independent and that is so much different than being alone.

I am surrounded and supported and extremely loved. That is and always will be. The time I have to myself can stay that way or can be filled by people who love me and are loved by me.

This Thanksgiving was different. It was foreign. It was definitely "If/Then" feeling. I feel comfortable in traditions. I am learning to be better with change- to accept it and breathe with it.

 Yesterday was a pivotal day in my healing.

I know I will be good. I don't know when or what it looks like, but I 100% know it to be true.

This day was gifted to me from my angels. I got clear, solid messages.

 This is my path and my journey.

My life is EXACTLY as it should be.