Words from a Grieving Friend

Ken posted this in response to the loss of their son. I know that people grieve in different ways, but I thought it was brave and helpful. These words have helped me with anyone who may be grieving. Perhaps you will gain some insight too.

"Attention ALL friends and loved ones. As most of you know, Courtney and I lost our beloved baby boy, Cavan, due to an umbilical cord accident, 2 days before his due date, back on March 6th. Now, you all have been so amazing, and compassionate, and we are so thankful for your thoughts, prayers, dropped off dinners, groceries, and other ways you've all helped. 

I wanted to write a little excerpt to let you all know how to handle us. We know this is a hard subject to deal with, and we know many of you don't exactly know how to breach the subject, or if you should even bring it up. Let me tell you these "Do's and Don'ts", in hopes to carify things a bit.

Do:
Please DO ask us about Cavan. Acknowledging that he existed warms our hearts, and truly lets us remember him as a member of our family.

Please DO ask to see his pictures, or even the memorial we have set up in his room.

Please DO share your feelings with us. We know you are grieving, as well, and we understand that you might not know what to say, or how to say it. As a matter of fact, you can tell us exactly that. Its perfectly ok to say that you don't know what to say.

Please DO treat us normally. We still love to laugh and see our friends and family. We appreciate you all so very much. Even the ones we see or speak to rarely.

Please DO give us a hug, or a hand shake, and smile. Telling us its good to see us, makes us feel like part of society again.

And finally, please DO ask us any questions you may have. We are open to discussing our situation. Our lives are different now. Forever changed by this event. But we are still your friends......your family.

DON'TS:
DON'T tell us it was God's will. We respect your faith and beliefs. Please respect our lack of such, during this time.

DON'T tell us that he is in a better place. Unless you want a swift punch in your pie hole as those words are coming out of your mouth, steer clear of that sentence, or any like it. The best place he could possibly be is here, with us.

DON'T look at us with pity in your eyes, or talk to us with a pity tone in your voice. We know you care, and we know you feel so very sorry for what has happened. All your sentiments..........we know, and we love you all very much for your love of us.

DON'T ignore us, or what has happened. Cavan is our son. He always will be. He will always be in our hearts and on our minds, so we love talking about him.

DON'T be affraid of bringing him, or the situation, up at any time. You will not "remind" of us of the tragedy by talking about it. It's ALWAYS on our mind.

And finally, DON'T let this be the topic of conversation ALL the time. Hearing how you guys are doing, how your kids are doing, funny stories, and all around general topics of conversation, all help give us a slight bit of reprieve from otherwise heavily burdened minds.

So, i'm sure I have left a few things out, so If I think of them, I will add them into the comments. Also, if you are unsure of how to approach or talk to us, please feel free to message me either on here or in private.

We can't thank you all enough for the love, compassion, support, and tenderness you've all shared with us. We are overwhelmed by it all. We love you all very much."

Buddy the Dog

We have a dog. I have been researching, reading, and talking to people about dog ownership for years. In the last couple of months I got more serious with my research, and a few weeks ago we adopted a rescue dog. The kids named him Buddy.

Buddy is a very good dog. He is chill, has only had a few accidents since we got him, is loving, and is sweet. Despite all of these things, at this point he has only represented responsibility and stress for me. Being a dog lover and always knowing we would get a dog someday, I have been extremely shocked by how I'm feeling.

Let me step back and say that the kids are IN LOVE. Haley has asked for a dog since she could talk. They both are so good with him and are diligent about teaching him the rules and being consistent.

Buddy is a shy dog. He is scared of Josh, which has made things harder. I have appreciated that he has not destroyed things in the house (minus chewing the bottom of the bathroom door when we left him in there). I appreciate that he listens and responds (for the most part).

I am surprised that I don't feel that connected yet. I always assumed we would get a dog and I would fall in love. Buddy stole our hearts when we met him, but I have not felt connected to him yet. This lack of connection makes everything harder. I feel like I am simply a caregiver. I want us all to just know each other and be in the routine of things.I think once we have a built mutual trust, that all will be easier.

 I have researched what I am experiencing and have found several articles and blog posts about my very feelings- guilt for leaving for work, the stress of a new responsibility, etc. We will not give him back, but the thought has crossed my mind.

I have learned that this is another thing that people do not talk about. Why? Reading these reactions and seeing that it is all normal, makes me feel so much better about how I'm feeling. I felt AWFUL about how I'm feeling, thinking I am the only person who has ever felt this way. Only to find out, through research and conversations, that a lot of dog owners go through this. Phew! I am not a horrible human being.

It seems that since I've been feeling this way there have been several clear signs that all will be more than ok. I do not blow these signs off as nothing.

Buddy is a good little guy. Who knows what his life was like before us? Once he realizes that we are going to be loving and safe, I know everything else will fall into place. Who knows? Even Josh may become a dog person!

Buddy,
Welcome to our family.We are working hard to make everything easy and calm for you. I look forward to our years together.

A Day That Changed Me

When people have said, "it changed my life", I always visualized their entire life being different. Then, when I became an adult, and experienced a variety of things, I realized that the phrase simply means, "an aspect of my life has changed because of what I just experienced." Some events create great change, but most create a one degree shift that just betters me as a human, mom, teacher, wife, friend, family member, etc.

This week I had a day that changed my life.I  had the opportunity to go on a  field trip with a counselor and the group of at risk 8th grade "men" he works with.

 We spent the day in nature hiking, eating lunch, talking, drumming, and working with injured wild animals. These men do these things once a month and I cannot tell you what an impact it is having on them.

Things I do not want to forget:

1. The way the boys acted like gentlemen- offering to help an elderly woman, all of them shaking people's hands when being greeted. These are the very students who have completely misbehaved on campus.

2. The boys coming back from their solo hike time ( 1 hour). They were all so proud that they had done it and stuck together even though they could have done what they wanted.

3. Hearing them talk in the car and realizing that these young men have real issues in life. It's tough for them. Really tough.

4. Being inspired by an 87 year old man who decided to join me in my solo hour long hike. I was not thrilled when he asked if could tag along because this could have been pure zen time for me. Instead, I was in awe of this man and the life he had lived.

5. Talking to our counselor and realizing how much service he has given to students who our system is failing. He has worked and he has fought for these students. He is making HUGE change in their lives and all the lives of the at risk students he has worked with. 

6. The way the students talked about the injured animals. Through their words I knew they saw themselves in these creatures.

7. That even though I have felt frustrated at times, we are making a difference in young lives. This was a reminder never to give up on kids, even when throwing in the towel would be much easier. I needed the reminder to invest in kids, especially those who don't want me to. This counselor has done just that and the difference is beyond obvious.

When I got back to campus that day, I couldn't speak without crying. Even though the public school system invites all sorts of opinions, I could confidently invite ANYONE who is skeptical to see this work. No one would or could argue. The work is real. It is creating positive change. I am a better person in all aspects of my life, because of what I was a part of that day. It charged me up and I know that charge will last a very long time.

I love what I do. This day was a beautiful reminder of that.

Lauren and Joe Doyle

Lauren and Joe are married! The wedding weekend and all that surrounded these nuptials were pure joy. There was a constant feeling of love and happiness the entire weekend and you could not wipe the smiles off the bride and groom's faces.
I loved meeting more of Joe's family and friends, enjoyed seeing known family and friends, and soaked in the special life event with my family.

T Ball

A few weeks ago Ryan started T ball. Being a part of the Campbell Little League has just been another reminder of why I love living here. It is a total sense of community.

On the first day of games, they held opening ceremonies. It was a celebratory way to kick off the season. The players were all out on the field while several community members spoke including the league president, the chief of police, and a sponsor who has been sponsoring 2 players a season for the last 60 years.
We sang the National Anthem and the players repeated a pledge about being hard workers and good sports. The ceremonies ended with the youngest player in the league (4 years old) pitching to the oldest player in the league (12 years old). Yes, I had tears in my eyes- SHOCKER!

Baseball is a nostalgic sport for me. I never played it, but my brother did and we were raised in a baseball loving family. I spent many hours at the little league fields and went to several Major League Baseball games. For me, it is that all American, feel good sport.

Ryan likes it so far. He is learning new skills and is attentive at practices and games.

Like anything, there are the die hard parents who see baseball as life. As a newer parent, I realize that these parents are around in any extra curricular activity your children are involved with. They have reality shows about these parents and I have joked about how one could be made about moms and dads in soccer, baseball, swimming, etc. I am so thankful our coach is down to earth and treats the boys with patience and kindness. Josh is coaching as well which is so cute to watch.

Looking forward to a fun season.
Go Blasting Bats!