Mr. Ham

Looks like Ryan really is Josh's little Mini Me. He proves it more and more each day. The week before vacation, Ryan had his holiday performance for school. This was on a stage in front of LOTS of families. 

 He sang his heart out. I know I haven written about it before, but is there anything better than children singing holiday songs? It's the best!

This was Ryan's first performance and he got right into it. He was smiling and singing.

 This is where the "Josh" comes in. Once he saw us smiling and laughing he really hammed it up for the reaction. He was sticking his face forward to be seen from behind other students. And who was cracking up in the audience? Yes, that would be Josh. And so the cycle began. Ryan over acting (ahem, cough, JOSH) and Josh laughing at every move.

It was joyful. My cheeks hurt from smiling all night. Here he is with his two wonderful teachers this year.

A Cousin Christmas

 Yes, I posted a picture of cocktails first. This year was going to be my year. I felt confident, even cocky. For the past several years I have come in 2nd place in our annual drink contest in Yuba City. This year I had a drink that tasted great, was rimmed with green sugar to complete the christmas colors (thanks for the idea Caithlin) and had glowing cubes in each glass. WINNER! Nope. 2nd place. AGAIN. By 1 point. Yes, Debbie's drink was divine, but the glowing cube people! Oh, well. Next year is my year.

 It was another fabulous celebration with the family. This weekend together is such a highlight of the holiday season each year. The kids get so excited to see the "big cousins" and have a sleep over.

 Here are all the kids. The oldest 4 were the flower girls and ring bearers in our wedding. Now, all young men and women.

 Look at these handsome guys!

 The Baldwin family. 

 Cousin fun!

Giggles with Tata.

What's Become Clear?

Every week, during my work in the Masters program, our professor would start the class with, "What's become clear since last we met?"- and yes, he said the words in that order. In this last week, one filled with sadness for me personally and for the nation as a whole, a few things have surfaced for me. Some are new clarifications for me, while others needed to be dusted off in my brain.
I don't want to forget:

1. Life is precious- PRECIOUS. This sounds so cliche but it just is. My children are part of my being. They are healthy and alive and thriving and I try not to take that for granted. The universe made them a bit more trying than usual this weekend. This was no mistake. Every time my frustration started to rise, I knew there was a parent who would give anything to be frustrated with their child. My awareness was high this weekend.

2. I am spiritual. The serenity prayer really works for me. I am not clear on "accepting the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference." I need to work on this in my life. I know I can change anything that I control (my actions and my reactions). I cannot change anyone. Period. Hmm, maybe I am clearer than I think on this?

3. I will not talk to my brother when he is using. The hours our family logged trying to save him from himself- what we thought was providing support- were wasted on deaf ears. He cannot hear when he is using. There is no reasoning, debating, "heart to hearts."

The cycle has been that we have put all of our efforts in when he is off the wagon. We try to show him he is loved and supported. Then, after a crisis, we are all exhausted by him and extremely resentful, sad and hurt. I then need a break from him and as he gets sober, I don't want to talk to him. From now on I will not speak to him when he's using. I will not give up my family time. I will offer him a ride to rehab. I will save the supportive and loving words for when he is clean. I poured my heart out to him. He told a variety of lies. He will not remember. He has no idea the damage he causes. It's not my job to tell him.

4. I carry stress in my body, especially my lower back. I rarely feel stressed in my brain, if that makes sense. I think everyone is like this, right? Tight shoulders? Headaches? It's clear that my stress is in my lower back. It was tight for 3 weeks straight. I stretched a lot. It's no surprise that it feels better since we are out of crisis mode.

5. I need to meditate more. I need to meditate regularly. It works for me. It affects me positively in so many ways.


5. I have faith in humanity. I don't like when such a small population of our human race causes people to lose faith in others. When those people do unfathomable things, it shoots to the top of our fears. One person attacked an entire nation last week. It was catastrophic. I watched some of the memorial yesterday and I saw a diverse people come together beautifully. Everyone is grieving, crossing over all of the religious and cultural lines that often divide. Most people are good. Normal people become heroes as they act for other humans, putting others first. I believe in peace.

This holiday season all of my blessings are heightened to a new level in my awareness. These things are clear and I will work hard to keep them from blurring.

Love is Hard

This is not really true in most aspects of my life. I find love to be rather easy, actually. However, love is not simple with my brother Jason.
He has begun his cycle of addiction just days after being released. We all feel like we've been punched in the gut. My focus is to not go down with him. Instead I am TRYING to focus on just loving him. He is not harming me or my family. He is doing it to himself. His lies are unbearable, but they wouldn't be if we didn't get upset every single time he told them.

So, as the pattern of addiction continues for my brother, I grieve his loss once more. I hold hope that he will one day experience life as I do. I am focused on loving him and showing him only that emotion.

I sent this to my mom this morning-

There's a quote on my desk

Every child needs love, especially when they don't deserve it.

Jason needs love. It feels impossible to love him and that is where I am channeling my energy- in trying to love him. I can make this cycle different for myself.

 

She wrote back:

It reminds me of A Raisin in the Sun, when the brother spends his sister's college money on a scam and the mom asks the furious sister to love her brother...

There is always something left to love. And if you ain't learned that, you ain't learned nothing. Have you cried for that boy today? I don't mean for yourself and for the family 'cause we lost the money. I mean for him: what he has been through and what it done to him. Child, when do you think is the time to love somebody the most? When they done good and made things easy for everybody? Well, then, you ain't through learning--because that ain't the time at all. It's when he's at his lowest and can't believe in hisself 'cause the world done whipped him so!

 

Inhale...exhale...

 

Holiday Weekend

Our holiday weekend was superb.

The week before, Ryan had a Thanksgiving feast at his school. They set up two long tables and had all of the students sitting together. It was darling.

We then took the kids to see Peter Pan! Jake and Cita brought Jakey and Aaliyah. Everyone was dressed up and ready for some Neverland. We got to see the legendary Cathy Rigby as Peter Pan. The show was very well done with lively music, lots of flying and endless pixie dust. Aaliyah was very disappointed that when Peter Pan flew over the audience, no dust landed on her. Her auntie will remedy that for Christmas. She will be getting extra special pixie dust!

Thanksgiving morning we took advantage of the beautiful weather and went on a hike at Rancho San Antonio. It was a perfect way to start the day.

We got cleaned up and headed to my parents' house. Haley LOVES turkey. I mean LOVES. She was very excited to baste the bird every time the oven door was opened.

Holidays are a big deal in my family. We were raised that you get dressed nice and treat the day differently. My mom spent time setting a beautiful table with fresh flowers and china. So much love and time spent on the little details. This includes all homemade food. DELICIOUS food that takes hours to prep and cook.

The time was so wonderful with immediate and extended family.

On Black Friday we braved Santana Row. I just love to go out with the crowds and wait in long lines during all of the chaos. Actually, I don't. Haley's Brownie troop was participating the the One Warm Coat drive and we delivered our coats that day. The boys dropped us off so we didn't need to deal with parking. I thought, since we were there, that we could poke into H&M. I walked in, checked out a few things, saw the crazy lines, and walked out. I used to work retail. I have had enough Black Fridays in the mall.

The next morning we woke up and got everything down from the attic. We played holiday music and enjoyed decorating the house.
Sunday we spent with Jason. Another exceptional holiday in the books!

The Sweetest Homecoming

Yesterday Jason came home. I have not seen him for more than 5 years. To say I was anxious for his arrival is an understatement. I have written about Jason before in this previous post. I cannot tell you how joyful his homecoming felt. The kids were all over him- he had not met any of his nieces or nephew, except for Haley. The last time he saw her she was almost 2. I am so hopeful for him and so glad that the message was sent loud and clear that we are all glad he is home and we want him back in our lives.
From here he deals with life after prison- parole, program, a sober living environment. We are glad he was able to figure out a way to do this all close to home. We feel great that he is here.
Yesterday was filled with laughing, real conversation and good food (he requested burgers, garlic bread and Mom's German chocolate cake). I really took notice when it was time for dinner and, without saying anything, we all sat in our old spots at the table. All of the family filled in around the spots that were originally the 5 we sat at growing up.
It hit me that we had NEVER all been together like this before. The five of us, with our spouses and kids- EVERYONE there. My heart was filled and I soaked in the moment.
I look forward to having Jason back. As kids, most of my time with him was spent laughing. We haven't really known each other as adults.
I cherish the idea that we have a new start.
What a perfect end to the Thanksgiving holiday.

New

The Mazda Tribute has treated us well. We have gone on many a road trip as a family in that car. We brought both of our children home from the hospital in that car. It has carried Haley to her first days of school, and Ryan to his first day of preschool. It has gone back and forth to Santa Clara approximately 1500 times. It has been spilled in, barfed in, laughed in and sung in.

It kept us safe. It was 8 years old when we kissed it goodbye.

 I look forward to 8 passengers. It is time. We are into carpools and inviting friends and family. This weekend we bought a new car. I LOVE IT. It feels safe and roomy and luxurious. I look forward to this car carrying my kids as kids, adolescents, and teens and friends and nieces and nephews. Having a new car makes me giddy. I feel proud of the deal I got (Josh was out of town and I didn't anticipate nor can I believe I did this on my own, keeping him updated along the way) but even more, feel so thrilled to have a car that has been a dream car. I bought this car and made the very first sale to the 19 year old who sold it to me. I loved him. The perfect salesperson. He called to let me know he sold 3 additional cars yesterday and I beamed like a proud mother. :)
It is all fantastic.