What's Become Clear?

Every week, during my work in the Masters program, our professor would start the class with, "What's become clear since last we met?"- and yes, he said the words in that order. In this last week, one filled with sadness for me personally and for the nation as a whole, a few things have surfaced for me. Some are new clarifications for me, while others needed to be dusted off in my brain.
I don't want to forget:

1. Life is precious- PRECIOUS. This sounds so cliche but it just is. My children are part of my being. They are healthy and alive and thriving and I try not to take that for granted. The universe made them a bit more trying than usual this weekend. This was no mistake. Every time my frustration started to rise, I knew there was a parent who would give anything to be frustrated with their child. My awareness was high this weekend.

2. I am spiritual. The serenity prayer really works for me. I am not clear on "accepting the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference." I need to work on this in my life. I know I can change anything that I control (my actions and my reactions). I cannot change anyone. Period. Hmm, maybe I am clearer than I think on this?

3. I will not talk to my brother when he is using. The hours our family logged trying to save him from himself- what we thought was providing support- were wasted on deaf ears. He cannot hear when he is using. There is no reasoning, debating, "heart to hearts."

The cycle has been that we have put all of our efforts in when he is off the wagon. We try to show him he is loved and supported. Then, after a crisis, we are all exhausted by him and extremely resentful, sad and hurt. I then need a break from him and as he gets sober, I don't want to talk to him. From now on I will not speak to him when he's using. I will not give up my family time. I will offer him a ride to rehab. I will save the supportive and loving words for when he is clean. I poured my heart out to him. He told a variety of lies. He will not remember. He has no idea the damage he causes. It's not my job to tell him.

4. I carry stress in my body, especially my lower back. I rarely feel stressed in my brain, if that makes sense. I think everyone is like this, right? Tight shoulders? Headaches? It's clear that my stress is in my lower back. It was tight for 3 weeks straight. I stretched a lot. It's no surprise that it feels better since we are out of crisis mode.

5. I need to meditate more. I need to meditate regularly. It works for me. It affects me positively in so many ways.


5. I have faith in humanity. I don't like when such a small population of our human race causes people to lose faith in others. When those people do unfathomable things, it shoots to the top of our fears. One person attacked an entire nation last week. It was catastrophic. I watched some of the memorial yesterday and I saw a diverse people come together beautifully. Everyone is grieving, crossing over all of the religious and cultural lines that often divide. Most people are good. Normal people become heroes as they act for other humans, putting others first. I believe in peace.

This holiday season all of my blessings are heightened to a new level in my awareness. These things are clear and I will work hard to keep them from blurring.

Love is Hard

This is not really true in most aspects of my life. I find love to be rather easy, actually. However, love is not simple with my brother Jason.
He has begun his cycle of addiction just days after being released. We all feel like we've been punched in the gut. My focus is to not go down with him. Instead I am TRYING to focus on just loving him. He is not harming me or my family. He is doing it to himself. His lies are unbearable, but they wouldn't be if we didn't get upset every single time he told them.

So, as the pattern of addiction continues for my brother, I grieve his loss once more. I hold hope that he will one day experience life as I do. I am focused on loving him and showing him only that emotion.

I sent this to my mom this morning-

There's a quote on my desk

Every child needs love, especially when they don't deserve it.

Jason needs love. It feels impossible to love him and that is where I am channeling my energy- in trying to love him. I can make this cycle different for myself.

 

She wrote back:

It reminds me of A Raisin in the Sun, when the brother spends his sister's college money on a scam and the mom asks the furious sister to love her brother...

There is always something left to love. And if you ain't learned that, you ain't learned nothing. Have you cried for that boy today? I don't mean for yourself and for the family 'cause we lost the money. I mean for him: what he has been through and what it done to him. Child, when do you think is the time to love somebody the most? When they done good and made things easy for everybody? Well, then, you ain't through learning--because that ain't the time at all. It's when he's at his lowest and can't believe in hisself 'cause the world done whipped him so!

 

Inhale...exhale...

 

Holiday Weekend

Our holiday weekend was superb.

The week before, Ryan had a Thanksgiving feast at his school. They set up two long tables and had all of the students sitting together. It was darling.

We then took the kids to see Peter Pan! Jake and Cita brought Jakey and Aaliyah. Everyone was dressed up and ready for some Neverland. We got to see the legendary Cathy Rigby as Peter Pan. The show was very well done with lively music, lots of flying and endless pixie dust. Aaliyah was very disappointed that when Peter Pan flew over the audience, no dust landed on her. Her auntie will remedy that for Christmas. She will be getting extra special pixie dust!

Thanksgiving morning we took advantage of the beautiful weather and went on a hike at Rancho San Antonio. It was a perfect way to start the day.

We got cleaned up and headed to my parents' house. Haley LOVES turkey. I mean LOVES. She was very excited to baste the bird every time the oven door was opened.

Holidays are a big deal in my family. We were raised that you get dressed nice and treat the day differently. My mom spent time setting a beautiful table with fresh flowers and china. So much love and time spent on the little details. This includes all homemade food. DELICIOUS food that takes hours to prep and cook.

The time was so wonderful with immediate and extended family.

On Black Friday we braved Santana Row. I just love to go out with the crowds and wait in long lines during all of the chaos. Actually, I don't. Haley's Brownie troop was participating the the One Warm Coat drive and we delivered our coats that day. The boys dropped us off so we didn't need to deal with parking. I thought, since we were there, that we could poke into H&M. I walked in, checked out a few things, saw the crazy lines, and walked out. I used to work retail. I have had enough Black Fridays in the mall.

The next morning we woke up and got everything down from the attic. We played holiday music and enjoyed decorating the house.
Sunday we spent with Jason. Another exceptional holiday in the books!

The Sweetest Homecoming

Yesterday Jason came home. I have not seen him for more than 5 years. To say I was anxious for his arrival is an understatement. I have written about Jason before in this previous post. I cannot tell you how joyful his homecoming felt. The kids were all over him- he had not met any of his nieces or nephew, except for Haley. The last time he saw her she was almost 2. I am so hopeful for him and so glad that the message was sent loud and clear that we are all glad he is home and we want him back in our lives.
From here he deals with life after prison- parole, program, a sober living environment. We are glad he was able to figure out a way to do this all close to home. We feel great that he is here.
Yesterday was filled with laughing, real conversation and good food (he requested burgers, garlic bread and Mom's German chocolate cake). I really took notice when it was time for dinner and, without saying anything, we all sat in our old spots at the table. All of the family filled in around the spots that were originally the 5 we sat at growing up.
It hit me that we had NEVER all been together like this before. The five of us, with our spouses and kids- EVERYONE there. My heart was filled and I soaked in the moment.
I look forward to having Jason back. As kids, most of my time with him was spent laughing. We haven't really known each other as adults.
I cherish the idea that we have a new start.
What a perfect end to the Thanksgiving holiday.

New

The Mazda Tribute has treated us well. We have gone on many a road trip as a family in that car. We brought both of our children home from the hospital in that car. It has carried Haley to her first days of school, and Ryan to his first day of preschool. It has gone back and forth to Santa Clara approximately 1500 times. It has been spilled in, barfed in, laughed in and sung in.

It kept us safe. It was 8 years old when we kissed it goodbye.

 I look forward to 8 passengers. It is time. We are into carpools and inviting friends and family. This weekend we bought a new car. I LOVE IT. It feels safe and roomy and luxurious. I look forward to this car carrying my kids as kids, adolescents, and teens and friends and nieces and nephews. Having a new car makes me giddy. I feel proud of the deal I got (Josh was out of town and I didn't anticipate nor can I believe I did this on my own, keeping him updated along the way) but even more, feel so thrilled to have a car that has been a dream car. I bought this car and made the very first sale to the 19 year old who sold it to me. I loved him. The perfect salesperson. He called to let me know he sold 3 additional cars yesterday and I beamed like a proud mother. :)
It is all fantastic.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Thank you for:
- getting up with me in the middle of the night when I was a baby.

- dealing with my poop and vomit.

-adjusting your whole life for me and Jake and Jason.

- teaching me manners (especially when you would take out the play phone and teach me phone manners)

- not letting me get a digital watch until I could read a second hand watch.

- having me order for myself at restaurants instead of speaking for me.

- teaching me how to use a map.

-taking us camping and instilling  a true LOVE of nature.

- modeling that a healthy marriage includes time as a couple.

- both working full time yet not missing any of our events or games.

- giving us chores and responsibilities.

- cooking a homemade meal every single work night even though we complained about it.

- instilling a LOVE of music by playing it all the time.

- taking us on trips to Disneyland and San Diego.

- letting me go for anything I was interested in and then funding whatever it entailed (uniforms, competition fees, trip fees, etc.)

- treating me with respect from childhood to now.

- setting rules and boundaries and giving consequences when they were broken.

- sticking to your word.

- modeling the golden rule.

- big homemade breakfasts.

- instilling values that I believe in as an adult.

- limiting our TV time.

- expecting us to always do our best in school and having school be our number one priority.

- all the money you have spent on me/us.

- a perfect wedding.

- your patience.

- Sunday drives.

- providing a household where we felt safe.

- providing a household where we laughed every single day.

- hosting parties and teaching me the love of opening up my home.

- sending me to college.

- having me be responsible for a portion of my tuition.

- showing what a strong marriage looks like and what it goes through.

-loving us.

You have done so much for  Jake and Jason and me. The list goes on and on. I feel blessed to have you as my parents. I don't know a lot of people who have what I have.

Very Well Put

This morning I read Jenny's blog and this is what she included.

I called my dad... I then asked him about the elections and if he had any wise words for me. He stated, “My advice has not changed. I still believe in respecting our President and Presidential candidates and their families. I genuinely desire our elected officials to succeed, even if I didn’t vote for them, because that is what is best for our family and country. I will also continue to encourage you and others to never miss an opportunity to vote.” Yes.

This is exactly what I needed to read this morning. My last post about the election felt a bit clunky. These words resonate with me.