When There Are No Words

There are instances, happenings, situations in life that truly leave you speechless. No words in the dictionary come close to expressing how you feel and how deep that feeling is.

Last week tragedy struck when my dear friends lost their baby boy due to an umbilical cord accident. He was due 2 days later.

I was in the car when I heard the message and just found myself pulling over. My heart pounded in my ears and I was in complete shock. The message was supposed to be, "I'm in labor! Get over here!" Not this message of complete devastation. I was later asked to come the next day to take care of their daughter while they went in for the c-section.

When hard things happen, I usually react in a fairly rational manner. I feel whatever feeling and then I eventually rationalize and categorize and decide next steps. This was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I stayed in shock for an hour or 2 and then I cried for 2 days straight. The thoughts and questions and anger came flooding in at a frantic rate.

What is the possible reason for this to happen?
Why them? They have had so much hardship and darkness.- not that I'd wish this upon anyone.
Why didn't that perfect baby come out just a day earlier when he was moving around?

She has to heal from a c-section and go through all the things that happen to our bodies postpartum.
They will go to the hospital without being able to bring their baby home.
They need to deal with all of the baby things, the nursery, etc.
They will need to face everyone who knew their baby was about to be born.

FUUUUUUCK!

When I showed up the next morning, the greetings were gut wrenching. We didn't speak a lot of words. She asked me some questions about the surgery itself, he gave me the garage code and dog instructions, and then they left for the hospital.

Camryn and I had a nice day together. It feels wrong to call it nice, but it was. I am so happy I was there for her as she did have some questions throughout the day that I did my best to answer honestly and 9 year old appropriately. One simple comment she made was, "When you came in this morning, I have never seen you like that. So sad." I replied, "I don't think I've ever felt sadness in this way." And then she simply moved onto the next thing she was doing.

To say that this is sad and tragic almost gives it too much lightness. I feel grateful that my friends have let me in because it is healing to be with them during this time. I don't have to guess how they are doing or what they are feeling or what they are needing.

I'm devastated for them.
I am devastated.

Cavan David, my Godson, you have a residence in my heart that will stay there forever more. You are so loved by so many. You are a perfect little soul. I am so deeply saddened that you are not here on this earth. I love you.