Mourning

With any loss, you mourn. You mourn the loss of what you once had. You mourn the loss of your dreams and what you thought the future held. Although we never know what life holds for us, my dreams were so clear, so vivid. I could see what life events would look like and the love involved in it all.

Imagine you are on a run and you can see the entire path ahead of you. You see the beauty of the nature that surrounds you and what you will see coming up.

Then life happens and the whole view fades to a blank road ahead and the path drops like a ledge of the Grand Canyon. That path is no longer an option. It is no longer the way. It's a blank space.

I have written before about how it took me by surprise when no one really talked about the hardships of parenthood. It was taboo to say that kids can be shitty and hard and we, as parents, have no idea what we are doing. I remember feeling alone until I voiced my thoughts and so many agreed. I felt so connected to the show "Parenthood" because it truly represented real life. :)

The same goes with marriage. I had NO IDEA that this type of loss was so grand and complicated. There are thoughts and feelings and processes you cannot fathom. I do get stronger all the time as I go through the phases of grief. But while I feel settled in one area, a new one creeps up.

The current one is one I never saw coming. It is one of the saddest losses I have experienced. It is the loss of my old self. I will never be the same woman again. This is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I know it's not bad. But that Jennifer is gone and I really liked her.The things I will miss most about her are her life of innocence, the dreamer who had reality backing up her dreams, the simple thoughts about life and love, the lightness. I am confident that most of these things will return, but they will be different. They will have a different life experience to back them up.They will not be naive or innocent.

Here is the beautiful thing. SO MUCH of me remains- all the best parts really. In fact, with hard work, I know that I have truly been evolving throughout my adult life. The difference is that it was always by choice. I never mourned the loss of an old me, because I chose what to work on and change for myself. Recently I have been launched into change that I did not want. It makes the fight that much harder, but I'm in it.

This is life. I am learning the true meaning of that all of the time. I grieve the loss of that playful, light, not-a-care-in-the-world-Jen. But she lives inside the new Jen and is surrounded by new layers of life.

I want, so badly, for my kids to know that they should always be true to themselves. I am trying to model that for them.
In that, we all need to know that our "self" is changing all of the time. Whether that change is our choice or not, we ALWAYS can choose to handle it.

My friend, Kim, gave me a quote at the very beginning of all this. I say it in my head every day...
"I may not love the situation, but I will love myself in the situation."

I want to model for Haley and Ryan to always love themselves in the situation- no matter what it is. It's ok to grieve loss. It's also essential to rebuild and build upon the best parts of us to create the best versions of ourselves.

The path ahead is blank, but when I see it, it is bright- filled with light.

I grieve the old me, but feel myself evolving into Jen 2.0. Trust me. You want to meet her out for drinks!

Oprah- 1 Year Ago

When a monumental event changes the course of your life, you spend a lot of time reflecting. At times I find myself thinking about this time last year and where I was and what I didn't know was happening and about to happen. It's a crazy thing to process, but I know it's all part of it.

One year ago this weekend, I had a life changing experience with the Oprah weekend. You can read about it here. 

Little did I know how much that weekend would be acting as a preparation of things to come in my own life. The weekend was a time to reflect, recognize and plan for how to live life from that moment on. The focus was gratitude and purpose. I shared that weekend with 4 other women in my life.

What I took away from that weekend was that I was on the right track - living in a state of gratitude and being very purposeful about every aspect of my life.

One year ago, all was right in my life.
The world was my oyster.
I was grateful.
I was purposeful in my marriage, in motherhood, in my job, with my friends, and with my family.
I knew what I wanted and felt ambitious.
I felt the power of love from my head to my toes.
I felt rich in life, in friendships, in love, in family, in friends.
I was a lover of life- every single aspect of it.
Everything that mattered to me was in place in my life.
I was beyond fulfilled.

It has been a year since this event and 8 months since a huge shift in the circumstances of my life. I am reflecting about the weekend and looking over my notes and remembering the high I had from the whole experience. I am asking myself, "How has that weekend helped, in any way, with what I have been experiencing?" This is how- I am looking at my current attitude and current beliefs and this is my truth...

All is exactly as it should be in my life.
The world is my oyster.
I am grateful.
I am purposeful in motherhood, in my job, with my friends, and with my family. To add, I am realizing a new mother in me- a better and stronger and more fierce one.
I know what I want and feel ambitious.
 I feel the power of love from my head to my toes.
I feel rich in life, in friendships, in love, in family, in friends- more than I ever have.
I am a lover of life- every single aspect of it.
Everything that is important in life is in place in my life.
Even with loss and the grieving that comes with it,  I am beyond fulfilled.

Will you look at that? As much as can change in a year, the core of me hasn't changed at all. That feels so good in my soul.

LIFE

There is a friend of a friend who has been fighting cancer for years. This is a young woman, a wife, and mother of 3 beautiful young girls. She has put up a huge fight, one that I have followed through my friend, Joy's, updates.

Today Joy sent me an update that Jenn is saying her goodbyes and asking for love and light for her family. I was at my desk when I got the texts and tears just streamed down my face.This beautiful soul is about to leave earth and leave her children, husband, friends, and family behind to grieve her loss. I can't stop crying.

Life is so beautiful so often and so tragic at times.

I have always LOVED life and still do. I do not take things for granted and I am grateful for every single moment of love and life and health. My struggles are nowhere near others' and I often wonder why others need to endure so much suffering while others do not.

 I have so many life lessons I have learned and yet still so many to experience.

I have lived so much life and have so much more to live.

I have loved so much and have so much more love to give.

I have been loved so much and have so much more love coming my way.

I feel rich in love from being a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teacher. My life is filled with light, even in the darkest times. My dark times are NOTHING compared to others' dark times. This has never escaped my knowledge.

I allow myself to feel the hard times and recognize the depth of life events. My marriage falling apart has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I have lost myself in moments. But, I have brought it back to perspective and although this is tragic to me, I never lose the fact that we are here, we are healthy, Haley and Ryan are so blessed and so am I.

Her name is Jenn Garcia. Please pray for all who surround and love her. She will not leave my heart.

Healing

Today's Affirmation:

I attune to wholeness and express perfect health.

All healing begins aligning my heart and mind with Spirit's vision for me. I am perfectly healthy- vibrant in mind, body, and spirit. I invest in my health by spending time in communion with Greater Power. I say prayers of gratitude for my ease of movement and youthful vigor. I nurture my heart in meditation. I train my mind with positive words.

Guided by Spirit, I make healthy choices when it comes to eating and exercise. I care for myself with regular visits to medical professionals. I am mindful of my speech and refrain from discouraging self-talk. I align every part of my being with Truth principles. As I do so, healing at all levels is not merely likely but inevitable. I am one with God- healed, whole, and healthy.

I Am Enough

Words to live by...

I Lived

This is a song I sing to the kids every single day... It's what I want for all of us- the only way to live life! You should click on it below and listen to it. Sing it to yourself and to those you love!
Happy Monday

I Lived- One Republic

Me Now

                        

Here I am. 6 and 1/2 months in. This is me in Vegas with Trish- a weekend so freeing and light and fun and girlie. I will never forget it.

This picture captures where I am. I feel beautiful and strong and alive. I am working hard to be in a better place for me so that I can be in a better place for my kids.

I am in the phase of accepting. I am no longer putting my gloves on each day, fighting the fight of my lifetime to save my most prized life. I did that for a long time. I am accepting that I cannot fight alone. I am accepting where it is and taking a water break.

I used to think that people who just split from their partner would get all dressed up and stuff to get attention and to live the new single life. How wrong I was. I realize that you just want to feel different than the way you feel in that time. I understand the drastic haircuts, the new clothes, etc. because you feel so dead, so ruined, so numb, that you just want to feel anything but that. Anything would feel better.

I remember going to a 4th of July party and I was complimented on my make up. I put make up on for a swim party, which I never do. I had to. I didn't want anyone to be able to see what I was really feeling inside- the sadness, the pain, the worry, the heartache. I will never judge new looks after a break up again. It's not for attention. It's to hide.

The biggest part of where I am, is in the place of no regret. It is completely freeing to know how much I loved and appreciated my life in the moments they were. It's not taking this life event to make me look back and see what I had. I knew it then and I know it now. I have no regrets.

I LOVED FULLY. I communicated what I cherished in many many ways to the one person I chose as my partner in life. I was all in and I gave it my everything. It is extremely healing to know I always worked to be my best self for me and my family. I was intentional and proud. I worked to keep love alive and exciting even after so many years together. I was a best friend and the biggest cheerleader to my family unit.

Some people never get to experience love like that. I did. I have. I do.

And that makes me an incredibly blessed woman.