I'm No Good

We all have strengths and weaknesses as parents. If the definition of a good mom was loving your kids to the end of the earth, there would be a picture of me in the dictionary. If the definition was being just as imaginative as they were, creating elaborate story lines in your pretend play and enjoying that, I'd officially be the worst mom on the planet. I am no good at playing pretend.

But how can I say no to this face? In all honesty I am good at a couple of things. I am good at restaurant and doctor and general playfulness (tickling, hide and seek, etc). But the minute Ryan puts a toy in my hand and says, "let's play pretend" I'm a dead woman. I don't think I loved playing like that as a kid. And if I did, someone else ran the story line. I am the opposite of creative and imaginative. I always seem to say the same thing, "Hi there! Do you want to play?" and then try and turn it into some sort of moral lesson. Talk about lame. It's pitiful.

Josh is genius at it. So are the grandparents. I am amazed at how long and elaborate the story lines can get with someone who can imagine far beyond my abilities.

The kids know that I am good to go for things like board games, card games, puzzles, and the like. I'm good for a dance party or cooking something together. Thank goodness Josh is here for them for wrestling and pretend and drawing and story telling. I was smart in marrying a man who would have those things covered.

This is 40

I haven't seen the movie with the same title but I do want to. I want to start off by saying I am not yet 40. I still have a good 4 years before the milestone. We are entering the 40 stage in life. You know the adult stages- weddings, babies, 40...

Let me also say that we have friends of all ages. Those who are older all went through the above stages before we did, because, well, they are older! But it's now, in the last couple years, that we are starting to celebrate 40th birthdays of people who share the same phase of life as we have. I am writing about this because just last night our good friend, Carlos, turned 40 and we were at his birthday party. It was a blast. KC and Carlos are dear friends and it was just fun celebrating him. They were perfect hosts. The following things went through my thoughts throughout the night.

1. Wow. We are at an adult party with quality alcohol- top shelf.
Remember when we threw parties and bought whatever was on sale? NO wonder the hangovers were so bad. We also mixed with the sweetest of liquids back then. No, last night there was high end goods and more limes than cokes.

2. Wow. We are young. We tease, laugh and tell inappropriate jokes.
Not much has changed there.

3. Wow. It's 11:00- late!
The party started clearing out at 10:00- we stayed until 11:00 thank you very much. We started at 7:00. Remember when you you started to shower and get ready for a night out at 7:00? Sleep was not as coveted as it is now. Instead of partying from 10:00-2:00 we knocked those 4 hours down to the 7-11 shift. Genius.

4. Wow. I remember my parents' 40th birthday parties, especially my dad's. This is how young they felt!
We had SO many people in the house and I remember people sleeping all over our house in sleeping bags. There was so much laughter, so much interaction. They were 40, our age! So young.

5. Wow. We are having SO MUCH FUN! I am able leave my immediate friends and mingle with people I don't know.
I have always been social, but that is not the easiest for me. I have a fine time chatting with new people and usually prefer to be with someone I already know while doing that. Not last night. I skipped around from group to group chatting with people and meeting the friends that KC and Carlos have made in Pleasanton and I've heard so much about. It was delightful!

So this is 40. More laughter, top shelf booze, and social ease. I'll take it!
Well, in 4 years.

Back to Where It All Started

I know I have written this before, but Monterey is one of our favorite places. It's a bit over an hour away but feels like such a beautiful get away. It's why we chose to get married there. Every year we take the kids to our wedding spot- where this Russell family unit began. Over the break we enjoyed a night away. We did the works- Fisherman's Wharf, ocean walk, the aquarium, and rented a surrey. The weather was clear and the time was fun.
I am not a museum person but I have to say that the aquarium does NOT get old. There is a new jellyfish exhibit that is unbelievable! Highly recommend. :)

Christmas Morning

All was as it should have been Christmas morning. The 4 of us in our pajamas, together, healthy, growing, in a house full of love. Family all around, although not all physically together that day. I was filled with gratitude as yet again, I was reminded of my incredible life.

Mr. Ham

Looks like Ryan really is Josh's little Mini Me. He proves it more and more each day. The week before vacation, Ryan had his holiday performance for school. This was on a stage in front of LOTS of families. 

 He sang his heart out. I know I haven written about it before, but is there anything better than children singing holiday songs? It's the best!

This was Ryan's first performance and he got right into it. He was smiling and singing.

 This is where the "Josh" comes in. Once he saw us smiling and laughing he really hammed it up for the reaction. He was sticking his face forward to be seen from behind other students. And who was cracking up in the audience? Yes, that would be Josh. And so the cycle began. Ryan over acting (ahem, cough, JOSH) and Josh laughing at every move.

It was joyful. My cheeks hurt from smiling all night. Here he is with his two wonderful teachers this year.

A Cousin Christmas

 Yes, I posted a picture of cocktails first. This year was going to be my year. I felt confident, even cocky. For the past several years I have come in 2nd place in our annual drink contest in Yuba City. This year I had a drink that tasted great, was rimmed with green sugar to complete the christmas colors (thanks for the idea Caithlin) and had glowing cubes in each glass. WINNER! Nope. 2nd place. AGAIN. By 1 point. Yes, Debbie's drink was divine, but the glowing cube people! Oh, well. Next year is my year.

 It was another fabulous celebration with the family. This weekend together is such a highlight of the holiday season each year. The kids get so excited to see the "big cousins" and have a sleep over.

 Here are all the kids. The oldest 4 were the flower girls and ring bearers in our wedding. Now, all young men and women.

 Look at these handsome guys!

 The Baldwin family. 

 Cousin fun!

Giggles with Tata.

What's Become Clear?

Every week, during my work in the Masters program, our professor would start the class with, "What's become clear since last we met?"- and yes, he said the words in that order. In this last week, one filled with sadness for me personally and for the nation as a whole, a few things have surfaced for me. Some are new clarifications for me, while others needed to be dusted off in my brain.
I don't want to forget:

1. Life is precious- PRECIOUS. This sounds so cliche but it just is. My children are part of my being. They are healthy and alive and thriving and I try not to take that for granted. The universe made them a bit more trying than usual this weekend. This was no mistake. Every time my frustration started to rise, I knew there was a parent who would give anything to be frustrated with their child. My awareness was high this weekend.

2. I am spiritual. The serenity prayer really works for me. I am not clear on "accepting the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference." I need to work on this in my life. I know I can change anything that I control (my actions and my reactions). I cannot change anyone. Period. Hmm, maybe I am clearer than I think on this?

3. I will not talk to my brother when he is using. The hours our family logged trying to save him from himself- what we thought was providing support- were wasted on deaf ears. He cannot hear when he is using. There is no reasoning, debating, "heart to hearts."

The cycle has been that we have put all of our efforts in when he is off the wagon. We try to show him he is loved and supported. Then, after a crisis, we are all exhausted by him and extremely resentful, sad and hurt. I then need a break from him and as he gets sober, I don't want to talk to him. From now on I will not speak to him when he's using. I will not give up my family time. I will offer him a ride to rehab. I will save the supportive and loving words for when he is clean. I poured my heart out to him. He told a variety of lies. He will not remember. He has no idea the damage he causes. It's not my job to tell him.

4. I carry stress in my body, especially my lower back. I rarely feel stressed in my brain, if that makes sense. I think everyone is like this, right? Tight shoulders? Headaches? It's clear that my stress is in my lower back. It was tight for 3 weeks straight. I stretched a lot. It's no surprise that it feels better since we are out of crisis mode.

5. I need to meditate more. I need to meditate regularly. It works for me. It affects me positively in so many ways.


5. I have faith in humanity. I don't like when such a small population of our human race causes people to lose faith in others. When those people do unfathomable things, it shoots to the top of our fears. One person attacked an entire nation last week. It was catastrophic. I watched some of the memorial yesterday and I saw a diverse people come together beautifully. Everyone is grieving, crossing over all of the religious and cultural lines that often divide. Most people are good. Normal people become heroes as they act for other humans, putting others first. I believe in peace.

This holiday season all of my blessings are heightened to a new level in my awareness. These things are clear and I will work hard to keep them from blurring.