Bear/ Dragon/ Warrior- Call it What You Will

Whatever lives inside every mother that flushes your whole being when you see injustice for you kid, it's a beast. It's hot and alive and real. And that beast was tapped last night.

We were at a lovely get together with a bunch of families we didn't know.  Kids were everywhere, running around and having fun. I kept an eye on my two as I knew they didn't know anyone else there and all the kids knew each other from school.

This situation is never 100% comfortable. Even as an adult, I sometimes am challenged with how to include myself in a conversation already happening among people I don't know, etc. Very few times did I feel that twinge of discomfort, but they happened.

A couple of times Haley didn't know where to place herself, so she would come get food or chat with me for a bit. Then she wold see her opportunity to get back in the mix and take it. Kids were in and out and all about. They moved in masses:)

Then it was time for dinner. Our gracious host had set up large tables out in the courtyard. It was so lovely and she outdid herself. Ryan sat at a table with no one else and then Haley sat down next to him. I encouraged them both to sit at the other table that had kids there. Ryan said "no", Haley said "ok".

She grabbed her plate.
She walked over to the table where there was one seat left.
She sat down.
Right when her rear touched the chair, the other 6-7 kids got up and moved to another table.

THIS.WAS.REAL. I had never seen anything like this in real life. Ever. Never. It was like a scene from a movie or a tween Disney show that exaggerates every action to make a point. This truly happened and I looked at Haley and I saw a twinge of her surprise and then her trying to be cool about it. Because she had never seen this before. Ever. Never.

And there it was. The beast. The bear. The dragon. The warrior.  It's this crazy feeling that is all encompassing when I see injustice, especially with my kids. I wanted to march over there and toss the table and point out to every single kid what they had just done and ask how they would feel if it was done to them. I wanted to hug my daughter and apologize for what had happened.

And, of course, I did none of those things. Because they are kids. All of them. They were following a leader's lead. They wanted a different person to fill that extra seat, so they moved to the other table when that person came to sit, right when Haley did. It wasn't about being thoughtless toward Haley. It was about wanting to sit by a certain someone. They didn't mean to hurt anyone and that's exactly why it was important for me and the kids to talk about later. We always need to be aware in social situations.

Other kids came to sit at the table with Haley. Another boy sat with Ryan at the 3rd table. The mom approached me and complimented Ryan for inviting her son to sit with  him. She said she watched all of it and was mortified, but that there is a certain dynamic with a few kids at the school that comes through at these events. She praised Ryan again and her older son included Haley when playing. And, as quickly as it had happened, they were off playing again. The mom and I talked some more and I could tell she was tired of this story that seems to repeat itself when the kids are all together. She said if she had one more glass of wine, she would've lost it. She definitively made me feel validated and I didn't even need to say anything at all!

On our drive home, the kids talked all about the "one" girl who wasn't very nice but everyone followed. It was the person everyone got up to sit by. She was mean to the younger kids. On and on and on. We took the opportunity to talk about our own values. And what we would do if we experienced that again, or saw someone left out, or (insert injustice here). We spoke again of our family motto, Russells have integrity..

The kids both talked about how they had fun, that this dynamic didn't ruin their time. And I fully believe them. They talked about all sorts of funny things and fun moments. I KNOW it was bigger for me than them.

Just wait until they have kids and feel their bear, dragon, warrior. 

It is a fierce ass beast.

Holidays 2016

The holiday season has come and gone. It was very different without Tata here, but it was still filled with joy and love. Always is. 

Broadway Star

At the beginning of the year, Ryan decided to audition for his school play. He had never done anything like this before.He saw the form that went home and got excited because it was "The Magic Treehouse: Knight at Dawn". He  knew the whole series as they were his first chapter books! 

He said to me, "Do you think I will get to be Jack?" Jack is the main character along with his sister, Annie. I explained to him that the play is for students grade 3-5. That some boys won't have another chance so to do his best and be proud for any part he'll get. I picked him up from his audition and he said, "Mom! I'm Jack!" We honestly couldn't believe it. He got the lead! I looked at the 60 page scripts and he was on almost every single page.

All of the students were incredible and the production was delightful. Everyone was impressed by Ryan and all the work he had done, along with his cast mates. 

He had lots of family and friends come see the show.

Ryan felt very proud of himself. Probably not as proud as we felt. He killed it.

Cross Country

Look at that group of young ladies! Haley joined her school's cross country team this fall. She worked hard each day and at each meet. The meets were BIG! 100 some girls just in the 6th grade girls heat. A perfect way to enter middle school- get involved, do something healthy, and be a part of a team. Great season, Haley!

Goofy little brother.

Proud grandparents.

In action!

Did someone yell, "Haley"?

Two of her biggest fans.

Labor Day in Clearlake

Shelley and Chris have been so generous withe their lake house in Clearlake. They not only opened their home to us over Labor Day weekend, but they pulled out ALL of the toys for the kids. The one thing I don't have a picture of is them jet skiing! So much fun!

A Letter to My Family 2016

Dear Family,

It is that time of the year when I write to each member of our family. This year is special- as we each get a photo of us with Tata. He has been gone just over a month, but we feel him with us all the time.  Here it goes, youngest to oldest...

 Dear Buddy,
Look at you in Tata's arms. I know you loved being in his lap while he fed you food and rubbed your belly. Oh, Buddy. You're a crazy one. This year I am determined to train you to stop barking when I need you to. You are healing to me and our family. I love when you feel my feelings and just come up and plop your head down on me. I am so sorry that you are so skittish. I wish I could make you comfortable and not afraid of the world. I know it's getting better each year. Thanks for loving us. The kids still get so excited to see you and play with you. You're a good boy.

Dear Ryan,
Look at you with Tata. I know how special he is to you and how much you miss him. You guys were two peas in a pod. You would wrestle and make up games and stories. I could make a whole album of pictures of you guys snuggling up together. Don't ever forget his wrestling moves called the "butt ripper" and "nut cruncher". I would just shake my head when you played like that together. You are so lucky to have had him in your life and be so close.He loved being with you so much and was so proud to be your Tata.

You are simply delightful. Look how much you are growing and maturing! You have a passion for playing with your friends, and wrestling, and drawing. You are so good at expressing how you feel and what you are thinking. I wish I could get inside your brain when you are upset and help you process and express because I know you sometimes have reactions you can't control. You recognize this and always apologize after you calm down, without being prompted.  I so want to help you in those times. You are very creative and I wish I could keep up with your pretend games. You are talented at writing stories. I envy how you find something interesting, like sharks, and then dive into learning about them. You still CRACK US UP and still hold the championship for "Whoever Laughs First Loses". Your laughter is contagious. Other kids want to play with you because you are kind and inclusive and fun and funny. It's awesome that you love school and I see your organizational skills are improving big time! This year you said to me, "a lot of hard things have happened since I was 6..." I am sorry you have experienced the loss you have at such a young age. Please know that you are strong and resilient and brave. You are growing into the young man you are supposed to be. This is your journey and I am proud to be a part of it.  I hope you know how much I love you, but also know there is no way that you can. I am proud to be your mom.You bring me such joy. I hope I am being the mom you need me to be. I wouldn't change anything about you. I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you and all you add to our family. I love you. You are my light.

 Dear Haley,
Look at you with Tata! You are his first grandchild and boy, did he adore you. I know you had a special connection and loved to joke around. I'll never forget you guys joking and me thinking you went too far and he said, "Jen, stay out of it. This is how we do it between us". I loved when you would mention any boys and he would say, "what?! who? I'LL KILL HIM!" You guys would tease each other endlessly.You are so lucky to have had him as such a close person in your life. He was a role model to you and all his grandkids. He loved his time with you so much and was so proud to be your Tata.

You just got your first report card in middle school- straight As! You said that was your goal and you achieved it. So awesome. You are an awesome kid. You are finding your comfort zone with your social life and interactions. I worry about you sometimes and know I shouldn't. I worry that you hold things in and that they will fester and not be resolved.I want you to find your voice! I worry that you haven't found your passion, but I know you will.  I try to honor you when you feel frustrated with any given situation. You always have a smile on your face and you have an incredible attitude. You are easy going and kind and funny. You are so good with your younger cousins. I love our jokes about Miranda Sings. You love to laugh. You are a good friend. You have this beautiful quiet strength (like Tata).You are courageous and bold. You are growing into the young woman you are supposed to be. This is your journey and I am proud to be a part of it. I hope you know how much I love you, but also know there is no way that you can. I am proud to be your mom.You bring me such joy. I hope I am being the mom you need me to be. I wouldn't change anything about you. I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you and all you add to our family. I love you. You are my light.

Dear Me,
Look at me with my dad. He truly was the greatest man in my life. He modeled how to live. I know how proud he was of me as his daughter and mother to his grandchildren. I promise to focus and "be more like Jake". Damn, I miss him.

2016- I want to call it a horrible bitch of a year, but I can't. Too many wonderful things happened. It's weird to say that about this year- the year that included divorce and death, the two worst events in my life. It's true though. So many loving and positive things happened. I had unbelievably fun times and shared special occasions with my dad.  I met new people and started new friendships. Old friendships changed into stronger and/or renewed ones. I found my strength in ways I never knew I could. My kids made wonderful accomplishments. They are growing up and finding themselves and changing.We had awesome vacations that I will remember forever. I had experiences with students that I know made a difference. Family and friends are happy and healthy and here. All of these things make me an incredibly blessed woman.

I am ready to start dreaming new dreams instead of mourning old ones. I am ready to let go of things that are unjust. I am ready to live with even more intention than I ever have. I am ready to claim my life and own it as mine. I am ready to open myself up more and more. I am ready to be a better mom. I am ready to be a better teacher and friend and sister and aunt and daughter and cousin and niece. I am ready to discover more of myself than I knew before. I am ready for new adventures.. NO REGRETS. And when I am ready for something, I will do it. No obstacle can get in my way. 2017 is definitely mine for the taking. It doesn't mean there won't be unexpected challenges or loss. It just means I have more life experience and wisdom than I did before and I will be applying it.

I know how much I am loved, but also know there is no way that I can. I am proud to be who I am. I hope I am being the mom I need  to be. I am working on changing the things I want to change, but do not want to change anything about my soul.

#bemorelikejake
 Cheers to 2017!

My Words to My Dad at His Celebration of Life

This is what I read on January 7, 2016 to honor my beautiful dad, Jacob Rasul Jr. 

I would normally be able to speak without reading right off the paper, but not today. Today I do not want to skip a single word I intend to say.

Writing this was so hard. I have written and rewritten so many times. I tried to find the exact words to capture how I feel about my dad, but no words exist that do those feelings justice. As my brother and I talked about this day and what we wanted to say, we both spoke about how everything sounded so cliche. He was the best man I’ve ever known, He was the best dad on the planet...we’ve heard it all from other people before. And our dad isn’t other people. In our eyes, he was better than all of us.

Look around this room. There are people here who were with him on his last day on earth and there are people here who haven’t seen him in years and years and all in between. There are folks here who he coached in little league and haven’t seen him since, or who I went to elementary school with who I haven’t seen since. What a tribute to an incredible man.

You have heard from his friends, and cousin and niece and granddaughter. You have heard that he was family to all of them whether blood related or not. That was my dad. He made you feel like family. He asked and he listened and he remembered. If you were having a conversation with him in the middle of 200 people, he would make you feel like the only person in the room.

For example, he used to walk up to me in any social occasion and put his arm around me and say in my ear,  “You are the most beautiful woman in this room, don’t tell your mom”

What you all saw in my dad is what we got at home. Growing up with him and my mom included constant laughing and music and playing. I mean constant.

• We all shared one shower growing up and we’d crack up as we’d run in, dump a cup of cold water on the person and run out.
• Wherehouse adult movies- my dad pushed me behind the curtain and yelled, “there’s a kid in the dirty movie section!” I died.
• Scary movie- delightful squeals- He would run around and pound on our window after we watched a scary movie.
• He dared us to do ridiculous things for a dollar
• Coach- little league and soccer
• Ski day- It was the end of the day and it was blizzarding. He and I braved one more run and we couldn’t see each other. He said we’d meet at the bottom of teh hill. As we skied I heard a “Hmmph!” and then I saw his ski go by. I got to him and he had snow in his mustache and his goggles were crooked. We could not stop laughing.

He taught me so much about life in the most unassuming way.

My house was one filled with music growing up. Both my parents have always loved to dance but my dad taught me. He would take me in his arms and twirl me around and if you’ve ever been with me on a dance floor you know how dancing brings me pure joy.

He taught us to believe in our worth- to be strong in our values.  He joked with me as a kid. I was a total tomboy and he would say- you could easily be Miss America if you didn’t have scars all up and down your legs!

He taught us to live with no regrets- if you want to do something to DO IT! He shared that once the Beatles came to Sac and he said he would catch them next time and then they broke up. He always regretted it. So to NEVER pass up an opportunity. Do it now; don’t wait. He lived a life showing that experiences and togetherness are far more important than any material things. In the last month my mom and brother and I have said many times that because of that modeling, we truly have no regrets. He knows how we feel about him and we know how he feels about us.

No regrets.

He taught us to value family above all else. Every single time we got together he would always toast to family. He would say, family is the most important thing. Nothing else matters as long as you have your family together.

Our times together as a family brought such bliss. And just so much laughter. My brothers and I have always loved teasing my mom. My dad would get it on it sometimes and just crack up. Then when it would be time for us to go he would say, “huh? You’re leaving? Don’t leave me alone with mom. I’m in trouble!”

No marriage is perfect, but my parents’ love was perfect. He modeled how to love your spouse. Look at this photo. He’s looking at my mom. He was so proud to be my mom’s husband. He was so proud that she was his wife. The love between them is like nothing I’ve ever seen.

Just this Thanksgiving my mom was making gravy. We all know to get out of the kitchen because she stresses. My dad and I stood there and we looked up and my mom was dancing around the kitchen by herself. My dad turned to me and said, that’s what I love about your mom, she loves life so much and doesn’t give a shit!

I was talking to my mom the other day and she was sharing that she doesn’t know what her future looks like, Because she’s not quite sure what was her and what was my dad because they were so merged. She questioned if she would even still follow baseball..And don’t worry,  of course she will still follow baseball...go Dodgers! (See Dad? I snuck in props to the Dodgers and no one can boo me!)

My dad was an example of how to be a grandfather. Tata was always in the mix- wrestling, throwing the  kids in the pool, making everything a game. Please feel free to ask any of them about the tale of the chubby boy scout. He LOVED and adored his grandkids and boy did they know it. What a true gift.

My dad was also an example of how to love your children. In October we had a rare private and serious conversation. He expressed his concerns for me and said he wanted me to know my worth in the world. He told me how extremely proud he was of me as a woman, sister, daughter, teacher, the friend I am to others, and especially the mom I have become. He shared that he was proud of my strength. My heart swelled as he spoke to me, because I could see that for once he was not laughing. He was looking into my eyes and speaking to my soul. He shared all of the things he wanted for me in my life. And dad, please know that I heard and have absorbed every single word and wish you have for me. I work on being more like you every single day and I know that I will continue to make you proud.

As you know, my dad was an example of so many things- how to be a father, how to be a husband, how to be a grandpa, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, friend, how to be a man.

He had such a beautiful quiet strength. He didn’t always use words- he led by example. He lived by example.

He affected all of us and made all of us better. To be around him meant you were laughing and “bullshitting” but it also meant that you were truly connecting.

My friend sent me this just yesterday and I know it captures how everyone in this room feels…

“All I see when I think about him is his big smile, hearty laugh, amazing hugs, and genuine interest when we spoke”

It only took one time being around him to know who he was and want more. Everyone says to us that they are sorry for our loss. Well, I want to say to you that I am sorry for all of you and your loss of my dad. He is so loved and will be so missed.

So,if you want to honor my dad today, please share stories with us and each other, And, if you want to be more like Jake, live with intention, have no regrets, connect with family, and laugh your ass off.

Please raise your glass- “ to my dad- the one and only.  To all that he was,  to all that he is, and to all that he will continue be in all of our lives and hearts.”