Last night Haley and Ryan were in the bath playing. Ryan started to do something really goofy and Haley was cracking up. I loved watching as Ry kept doing it over and over to make his sister laugh. I saw Jason and me as kids. My brother, who is 12 months younger, used to make me laugh until my sides hurt. He made everything funny no matter where we were. I would laugh so much that it usually ended up getting him in trouble because I egged him on so much! I remember thinking that when I became a mom I would want my kids to be a year apart just like Jason and me. Of course, reality hit once we had Haley and I remember thinking- I would be pregnant now?! I just had her!!! Wow, Mom and Dad...crazy!
Watching the kids in the bath made me sad that my brother is not part of my life and really hasn't been for many years. I have no idea what being an addict is like, but I know what it is to be a sibling of an addict who calls prison home. I think of him back then and think of how much potential he had. It may be silly, but after all the ins and outs of rehab, jail, and even prison, I hold a small glimmer of hope for his future. Maybe he will get well and it will last and he can be part of our lives. I think it is interesting that Haley remembers "Uncle Dude" as she points him out in pictures, but she never asks where he is or why we don't see him. I am glad because I really don't know what to say. I have no idea what this is like for my parents.
I have very fond memories of Jason. Seeing the kids in the bath last night was just like looking back to 30 years ago. I watched them play with a smile on my face.
3 comments:
I think one of the most surprising parts of parenthood is how much our kids teach US about ourselves and our own relationships. Before having kids I remember thinking, "I can't wait to teach my son/daughter this...that.." but everything we show them in life, they teach us 10-fold.
Thank you for your honest and candid post about a situation that is so very painful. I know from experience. I live with one every day. I am lucky that mine is sober right now and has been for a few years but we have had a few "falling off the wagon" situations. Again I am lucky that mine has gotten back on. I have often wondered where Jason is and how he is doing. There is hope. There is always hope. I have seen people come from insane rock bottoms and find sobriety. Keep hoping.
One of the things I love most about life is how things can change, in an instant, with a word or a thought. Some word or thought might, even today, make it into your brother's life, and the help he needs will be waiting.
I can understand how sad it is. My brother isn't much a part of my life, and I miss him.
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