Each year I write a letter to my family at the end of the year. I have been away from this blog the last few years. The whole purpose of starting the blog years ago was to capture our life, growing up together. I want to be better this year. I love looking at old posts and reliving life's memories.
I usually write the letter from youngest to oldest. This year I am going to start a bit differently, and write to both of you kids with common words for you both.
Dearest Ryan and Haley,
Once again, I find myself writing about my awe of you. 2021 included learning from home, a masked life, adjustments and cancellations of social plans and get aways. You have remained flexible and understanding of this shift in life. I am so intentional about the mom I try to be for you. I know that you are individual from each other, but try to remain fair and equitable. The biggest word that comes to mind when I think about you is PROUD. You continue to grow into people of integrity, love, and awareness. I love the feel of our home when you are in it. It feels light. It feels warm. It feels fun. It feels perfect. I sometimes struggle with the line between supporting your independence and the amount of guidance I offer. I want to be there for you while also allowing life to be what it is for each of you. Please know that I am always trying to be better for you, and for myself. My life with you is my definition of love. I have so many dreams for you. I see you. I hear you. I love you. You are the sun.
My Dearest Ryan,
This picture was taken at the start of the year at Pinecrest when we skied at Dodge Ridge. You've grown at least 5 feet since then. Haha! I enjoy so much about you, but this year the stand out was seeing you go back to school and applying all the skills you worked hard on during online school. I see such a shift in your confidence as a student. You hold yourself to a high standard and then live up to it. Besides school, I have watched you enjoy social life as a teen. You are so kind and thoughtful. You are a good friend. I am proud of the way you treat people- friends, peers, family, adults. Your creative self continues to grow and create wondrous things! You are still the one who makes us laugh and remain the running champion of "whoever laughs first loses". I REALLY enjoy spending time with you. You are calm, funny, respectful, and trustworthy. You make my heart smile. I adore you.
My Dearest Haley,
Welp...here you are, almost 17 years old. You are so many things and the things I have enjoyed witnessing most this year are you starting your first job and getting your drivers license. There are so many life skills in both of these things and you are stepping up to this part of your life and learning the lessons that come with all of it. I love our banter. Your love of tv drama makes me laugh. Your smile lights up any space. You make managing school, work, and life look easy. I enjoy your easy going attitude. I love our tv time, not because of the show as much as just being in our space and laughing together. I love that you are now at the "adult table" at family events. I admire how in your skin you are. You are wise, fun, witty, and a life cheerleader for others. You make my heart smile. I adore you.
Now it's my turn! This was big year in a lot of ways. This year I have felt the most settled in my life than I have in many years. I have been independent for 6 and 1/2 years. The journey cannot be replaced. I feel a huge calm in knowing that my kids are good. They are not just good. They are great. Josh and I worked hard to make sure they knew they were our center and it's clear we accomplished our goal. I feel very proud of that. Very. The kids and I have open and free conversations about life, present and past. It all feels warm and good and right. I am truly happy and fulfilled and have been for years. This year was different in that I opened my heart for the first time since it was broken.
Shawn was an eye opener for me. He showed me I could feel love again and, even more, that I can be loved and adored for every aspect of me. He was a huge gift. He made me laugh (hard), challenged my thinking, was adventurous and so damn fun. He was a very good man. He also showed me that I still choose me over things I cannot invite into my life (f**k addiction). Although the decision was clear once I knew, it was a very hard walk when I walked away. I know there are clear reasons why we met 8 months before he suddenly passed- we gave each other gifts that changed both of us. I will NEVER forget him or what we shared.
Another year in the book for the crew. Life is good, even when it's challenging. I love this family!
