Summer 2018

I drafted this in August and never published!

It was another epic summer for all of us. 

Grass Valley Blue Grass fest with Doyles. Quite an experience!

Avila Beach with family.

Ryan and family/friends swim with Osprey another season!

PINECREST!

Girls Weekend year 10- American River, South Fork.

Family Reunion at Carrville Inn

Tahoe!

Raging Waters!!

7 Ways You Can Help Your Child Have a Successful School Year

As I get ready for my 20th school year, I am reflecting upon and processing how I could be a better teacher and how I could better support my own kids through their school years. Every parent wants their child/ren to have a successful school year in all ways. Here are a few tips.

1. Stay Informed
Being informed is everything! Know what your school offers as far as communicating information and consistently check in. Read the papers that come home. Mark the dates in your calendar for events like Back to School Night and Open House. Check the school or class website regularly. In this digital age most grade books are online and available to families. CHECK IT DAILY.

2. Communicate
This is the second most important point I am making in this post. COMMUNICATE. Communicate with teachers, the office, and your child. At the beginning of the year set the expectation with your child about their responsibility in school. Make it clear what you expect in the school year, both at home and at school.

With my own kids I set broad and specific expectations. I let them know that I expect them to be kind and respectful to others. I expect them to do their best- that it's more about the effort than the letter grade. I let them know that on school days we do homework and 20 minutes of reading (as a family) and chores and walk/bike with the dog and that there will be a maximum of 60 minutes of screen time IF there is time.

Communicate with teachers. I cannot tell you how helpful it is to be in the know about students' personal lives. Teachers are with them for hours a day. We want to know if Fluffy the cat died or if their sister broke her arm and the whole family was at the ER the day before. It helps teachers be the best for your child.

3. Ask About School (academics last)
Ask your children about school every day. This may sound funny, but make any question about academics your last priority. Ask about something kind they did or any kindness they witnessed from others. Ask about students who seem shy or left out and talk to them about what role they could play. Ask how the teacher makes them feel. Ask to share something that made them smile or laugh. Ask about what mistakes they made. Ask who they ate lunch with or played with. Ask who they sit by in class. Ask about academics too, but not at first. In our house, I ask the kids one question a day. I used to ask several, but it was too much. Usually asking that one question results in a longer conversation and results in learning more about their day.

4. Trust the Teacher
I know there are ineffective teachers. In my experience it is rare to encounter one. With that exception, TRUST your teacher. S/he thinks about your child and is doing the best job trying to tailor make his/her educational experience. If the teacher makes a suggestion, try it. Give feedback on how you think it's going. Let the teacher know what works for your child at home. If the teacher asks for support in a specific way, give it if you are able. Trust and ask along the way. If it's not going well, ask for a meeting and include the principal.

5. Keep a Clean Backpack
Seriously, have your child clean out his/her backpack once a week. Don't do it yourself, rather have your child do it.  I need to be better about this with my own children. This will help your child stay organized, allow you to stay on top of any returned and graded work, find any birthday party invitations (we've all had that moment when we find that old invitation we didn't RSVP for!), and not miss any important flyers or school communication.

6. Consistency is Key
Stay consistent with the previous points or whatever you decide to do to support your child through the school year and don't drop the ball. This does not mean you can't change your mind about how things are done, but communicate that.  Consistency is key for kids! Success happens when they know what to expect and what is expected of them.

7. Let Your Child Succeed and Fail
...and acknowledge both as learning opportunities. This is the most important point I am making today, as a teacher. One of the hardest things to watch is a parent who can't "cut the cord". I am a middle school teacher and know that in younger years kids need a lot more assistance. I am not negating that. But, even in kindergarten kids need the opportunity to both succeed and fail.

LET YOUR CHILD DO THEIR OWN WORK.
LET YOUR CHILD FORGET THEIR HOMEWORK.
LET YOUR CHILD PROCRASTINATE AND/OR MISS A DEADLINE.
LET YOUR CHILD HAVE THE CONSEQUENCE THAT COMES AT HOME AND/OR AT SCHOOL.

It's hard to do, but it's the only way they learn. When these types of failures occur, talk about how they feel about it. Ask what they could do differently next time and when that time comes, remind them of their own words about how it felt last time. This talk is so helpful for teachers because that is what's happening at school. We learn more from failure than we do from success. It's hard, but let both happen.

*Extra tip- never be afraid to gift your child's teacher with wine, especially if they're in my class. Haha!

Cheers to a great year!

10

 June 11, 2008 our family was complete when Ryan Joshua came into this world! Ryan, you are funny, kind, sensitive, aware, thoughtful. I love the way your mind works. I am in awe of how you process the way of the world. You bring joy and light and fun everywhere you go. You are double digits now! I love you.

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10!

How Grief Doesn't Exit- Our Lives Build Around It

Today I used a power washer for the first time. I borrowed it from my friend and her instructions were, "Just put on your earphones and hit the power!" I'm addicted. I power washed for an hour and a half.

As I used it, with music blasting in my ears, I found it extremely therapeutic. I watched how layers of dirt that had accumulated over time were just blasted away. Why can't life work this way? You work on something and get immediate results. You see the crap literally get washed away to reveal a fresh and clean under layer. Man, it was so damn satisfying.

This last week provided a culmination of experiences that resulted in another one degree shift in my life- making it life changing. It could be old news to you, but that one degree helps get me more aligned with myself- the one I strive to be. This one degree gives me a new understanding about my life and feels like my soul connects more with my beliefs/actions/behaviors. The shift I felt was that my life events may not be ones I "get over", but I am happy and joyful and fulfilled even with them remaining as part of my story. Their existence permeates and affects current life. Peace can coexist with your toughest personal life experiences. This is hugely freeing for me- another step forward.

Years ago my cousin sent me a song I had never heard before and simply texted, "this is you" with the song attached. The song was A Little Bit Stronger, by Sara Evans. It became my life song for quite sometime. Last week, two friends who have been there through my unexpected journey, treated me to her concert at a small venue in town. I knew that Sara Evans and I had the same story in our love lives and I knew she would be singing the song that was once my anthem. She also has a newer album out. As she sang songs from this album and tears ran down my face because she was signing from MY heart, I realized that the impact had not gone away- that it doesn't go away. I was not alone in feeling the way I feel a year and a half after losing my dad and years after the end of my marriage, the beginning of shared time with my kids, still not understanding any of it and having to accept that, having so many intimate years and now barely knowing my previous partner in the present time.

Her performance was hauntingly beautiful and the lyrics assisted me in taking another step in my realization that we don't get over things. We carry them with us even when uninvited and unwanted. We learn to live with them. It is neither negative nor positive. It is just fact. They are a part of us along with every other life experience.

Over a year ago I had been waiting and waiting to "feel better." I even told my therapist that I was waiting for this pit to go away when I say goodbye to my kids for 2 or 3 nights at a time. She blankly and bluntly asked me why I thought that would ever be going away and I was a bit speechless. She said, "That pit will stay with you because now is not a natural time in life that you would be missing time with your children. Perhaps that pit will go away when they go off to college when it's natural timing to not be with them all the time. But you can learn to live with the pit, carry it with you, be happy even when it's there."

Well, shit.

We all have shifts throughout life, but may not recognize them. The shift could be moving us forward or pulling us back.

Shifts occur in every life event. I was never the same again after I graduated. I was never the same again after I started teaching. I was never the same again after I got married. I was never the same again after I became a mother. I was never the same again when I...

You can't be the same. Because you're not. The shift happens, whether it be minuscule or gigantic.

So many of my life shifts I didn't mind having, because they were all positive. They all had great impact and I embraced them. It was only when personal trauma hit that I mourned my old life and my old self. I never felt grief about a new phase of my life when I was growing in ways I chose. Such an important insight for me to recognize and apply today.

Then, days after the concert last week, I saw the clip below and it displayed my experience in a way I had never seen or heard- that the loss (whatever loss that may be) touches every aspect of your life. Your life builds around it. It fades and brightens, but NEVER goes away. It gave me such relief. I can accept that. I was living trying to erase it from my heart and soul like that damn power washer. Blast it right out. That is not possible.

I am simply not the same as I was. As is with every life event. Always. And that is okay to accept and embrace.

This is the video clip that nails it

I am  greeted with my grief at some point every single day. My dad is with me in my heart and mind more than once a day. I wake every morning and there is a flash of thought- are my kids in their beds down the hall or are they across town? It's so unnatural for a parent to have that thought. Most times the grief lightly taps me on the shoulder someplace like the shower, just reminding me that it is part of my life, and then joins the rest of the water down the drain. Other, rare times it hides behind a corner and whacks me square in the knees. Sometimes it stays for a bit- minutes, an hour, longer. Most times it's a flash, like a blink. It's been this way for quite awhile and I wonder if this just is what it is and will be.

...Because I am happy. My kids are happy. I feel pure joy. I am not distracted. I rarely cry. I rarely get riled up. And my sadness and grief reside among those feelings. Hence the video clip!

 I look around and EVERY. SINGLE. HUMAN experiences grief and trauma. Mine is nothing compared to others'. Others' are nothing compared to mine. It doesn't matter.

I have always found it easy to love life. Still do! Sure, we can't power wash the gunk away like we'd like to.

But, I can wash my front walkway and bedroom balcony. Sparkling!

Onward. Forward. Upward.

* Note- I was debating on which blog to write this post. This is my family blog that I will be gifting the kids when they are adults. I wanted this message to be read by them. They'll learn more about me and maybe more about themselves at that time. Written with heart.

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We have an official teenager in the house! Oh, Haley Rose. On February 16, 2005 you entered the world and the world has not been the same since. Happy birthday my beautiful ray of light

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THIRTEEN!!!

A Letter to My Family 2017

This quote is so true. My kids are my light.

Every year I write a letter to my family. I can't wait to gift this blog to my kids. Here are my letters for 2017- as always, from youngest to oldest.

Buddy! Our family loves you so much. I am sorry we can't help you be less skittish and more comfortable. You are the most frightened, unsure dog I know. I say this every year and I mean it, but I am glad you have us to love you. Whoever owned you first sure did a number on you. You make us laugh and you're the only one in my family who cuddles with me right now! I hope we are being the family you need. I'm sorry if there's something we can be doing that we're not. You're a good boy and I love you.

My Dear Ryan,
You are one of a kind. You bring laughter and silliness everywhere you go. You remain the champion of "whoever laughs first loses" as Haley and I can't help but laugh at what you come up with to make us laugh. Your growth this year has been impressive. You have felt a bit discouraged at times, but it hasn't stopped you from trying and working on those things that challenge you. And THIS is where you need to see your strength. You are always working to be better. You express yourself and your thoughts and feelings in ways not many other 9 year olds do. You just bought a notebook in LA, with your own money, to give to a girl you have a crush on. You are brave! You are sensitive to others' hearts and feelings and you know what's right and wrong. You are awesome at trying new things and right now you are loving chess! You have the courage to own your mistakes and not repeat them. I want you to know how incredible you are. You are an amazing soul.  I am here for you always. I want you to know that I see you. I want you to know that you are growing into a young man filled with love and integrity and you are everything I have ever hoped for in a son. I would not change one thing about you. I pray that I am the mom you need me to be. You are my light. You are my heart. I love you, buppy toe.

 My Dear Haley,
This picture depicts how I saw you this year. I witnessed some weight being lifted off of your soul and your lightness (and your inner light) return in many many ways. I know things have been hard for you and you need to know it does not go unnoticed. You do not go unnoticed. Life is just hard sometimes and I cannot take it away, but I can and will be beside you and behind you. You are such a cool kid. You are easy to be around and have a great sense of humor. You are an extremely talented artist.  I love hearing "Jackie" stories every day. I admire how hard you work in school and how diligent you are to stay on top of your work. I know you are having all the feelings and emotions a teenager has and I want you to know I am here for you. I want the best for you so when I talk to you about getting involved or putting yourself out there, it is not to push you into something you don't want to do. It's because I want you to experience all life has to offer. I have liked that you have opened up more and have talked about how you're feeling and have asked more questions. You are an amazing soul. I want you to know that I see you. I want you to know that you are everything I have ever hoped for in a daughter. I would not change one thing about you. You make me incredibly proud. I pray that I am the mom you need me to be. You are my light. You are my heart. I love you, tickle tee.

My Dear Jen,
Well, damn. Although this year had lower lows than you had expected, it had higher highs too. There has been so much growth, hard insights, and realizations about yourself, and also an amazing reunion with feeling true happiness again. After this last, extremely challenging month, you have found resolve and determination to align yourself in character and soul. You have been out of your skin for so long, finding your way back. You've spent most of this past year feeling your new self but have also been challenged with mistakes you own and are ready to move on from. Your life is yours alone, to live. Do not fear. You can do hard things and you have. Be proud of how you handle yourself and the woman you are and continue to become. Be kind to yourself when you do things you wish you hadn't. You are human- a person with wonderful qualities and unattractive flaws. Continue to work to be better, but as Glennon Doyle Melton says, "focus less of self improvement and more on self love." Be honest with yourself and with others. Know that you are making your dad proud and that he sees you. Listen to your inner voice that always guides you the right way. Every time you've ignored it, you have steered off course. Do something you've never done this year. Continue to live in gratitude every single day and find joy in every aspect of your life. You are strong. Keep your eyes and heart forward and take what you need from the past to help you grow. There are no accidents. This is your journey and with every slip or downright sloppy fall, you're moving miles ahead. Love every cell of yourself- the good, bad and ugly. For goodness sake, finally watch "Seinfeld" so you get when people quote it. And as you always say, onward, forward, upward. YOU GOT THIS!

Halloween 2017

Another epic Halloween!