The Story of Summer 2016 in Photos

Pinecrest 2016- 8th annual trip

 Rasul Tahoe Trip

 Nolan's Baptism! Proud Godmother:)

 Trish's bucket list item- BBQ at Rasuls'- Check!

 Grass Valley with Family

Aptos!

 Rafting with Kim and her bro!

 Sweet Briar with Family!

 The Ultimate Concert!

 Mommy Camp (with kids of course)!

 Concert with Daddy!

Last sleep over before school starts:)

Mother Warrior

Well, holy shit. I know I haven't posted in awhile. I feel like everything I have wanted to post would be too painful for my kids to read later. The posts would be real, raw, loving, and honest. The posts would be ME. Because right now I am in pain. This part of my life is hard and painful. And the whole purpose of this blog is to gift it to the kids later so they can read the stories and see the pictures of our family life so I am careful about what I write. I never want to cause them pain.

Recently I have been feeling so guilty. Like I have failed as a parent. Parents are supposed to shield their kids from pain (or at least they want to). In the last few weeks I have been receiving more and more signs about this. One insightful woman (a medium to be exact) told me that I hold this shield out in front of my kids that is huge- that I need to shrink it down to the size of a donut and let them experience life.

With our transition in life and  Haley's transition into middle school, and what I KNOW to be potentially the tough years of adolescence, let's just say I haven't been doing well.

I worry. Plain and simple. I never did before and now I do. I lost my innocence at 38 years old and my kids lost some innocence at 7 and 10. That loss for me has been replaced with fear and worry. And that is JUST NOT ME. I act as though they are so fragile even when every single day they show me how strong and resilient and perseverant they are.

I keep hearing words and receiving messages, and then I just read this from Glennon Melton Doyle (surely a close friend if we were ever to meet). I read this and feel ready to surrender to this. Not the kind of surrender that's down on my knees with my head down, but the kind of surrender that has me standing tall, looking to the sky, sun on my face, arms held open and high (as I learned at my Oprah weekend 2 years ago).

Haley and Ryan,
I believe in you. I believe in your strength and growth and your story- your journey of life. I am beside you and behind you, but I realize that I cannot always stand in front of you (even though it's against every grain of my being not to) with my satellite dish sized shield out to protect you from all harm.  So today I promise to step back, as much as I can right now without imploding, and let you gain who you are supposed to be from the life experiences you are supposed to have. You are incredible humans, amazing souls, strong warriors. I pray that I am showing you the right way every step of the way.

I think the warrior is one who has the right job description for parenting.

The warrior parent knows that it is not her job, nor her right, to protect her child from pain. Her job is to direct her child toward her own warrior path—to point to the pain and say, "Do not be afraid. You are hardwired to not only survive that pain but to find your wholeness and purpose there. Let’s go, baby. We can do hard things." And then to walk her through her pain again and again—head held high, mind and heart and eyes wide open—so that when she’s gone, her baby can walk her path without her.

The warrior parent allows her child to be a warrior.

- Glennon Doyle Melton

Goodbye Capri- Love, Haley

Kindergarten

1st grade

 2nd Grade

 3rd Grade

4th Grade 

 5th grade (annoyed the school sign was down- grr!)

 Recreating their kindergarten slide picture.

Haley's 6 years in elementary school flew by. Capri was the perfect place for her to learn and grow and be challenged, yet feel safe and supported through it all. We were blessed with hard working and dedicated teachers. Haley met wonderful friends and kept Miss Taylor through it all. They've known each other since they were 2- and look at them now!

I can't believe she is off the middle school. Capri has her prepared for the next part in her life. I am so grateful for the school and community. 

5th grade promotion was so sweet and well done. Grammy was sick and couldn't make it. We missed her!

Onward and upward and forward Haley Rose! Man, are you loved!

8

June 11, 2016- Ryan is 8.

8 years of this cute face.
8 years of the most amazing laugh.
8 years of pure boy (and pure joy).

 newborn

 1

 2

 3

 4

 5

 6

7

8

Ryan,

You are a sweet sensitive (and very funny) soul. In your 8 years you have your parents so proud, your sister laugh more than ever, your grandparents beam with pride. You are smart and goofy and playful and creative. You are a good friend. Your energy is one that people want to be around.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET BOY!

Mother's Day Version 11.0

Yesterday I celebrated my 11th Mother's Day as a mom. I still feel like a rookie every single day. It's funny because I have thought about so many things to write in this post, as being a mom entails so much, but I will stick with the dream I had Mother's Day Eve. 

I had a dream that I had the kids at the beach and they ran into school kids I didn't recognize. I thought how nice and fun it would be for the kids. As they played, at one point, I noticed Haley's body language change in the group she was in. I observed from my beach chair and knew something was up. A minute later, she walked over and sat down next to me. I asked her what was going on and she said it was no big deal. I asked her what happened and she told me that she was being teased and she told me exactly what the kids had said to her.

Although it was a dream, it was vivid (as all my dreams are) and I could feel the heat starting in my chest and rising to my face. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and I looked over at the kids laughing and playing after hurting my child. I gritted my teeth and charged over to the kids, feeling my rage growing with every heavy footed step. I wildly laid into all of them. I don't remember what I said, but I remember losing it completely and the anger being out of control. You see, Haley was fine and I was blowing a gasket.

This is motherhood. Of course I would never charge a group of 11 year olds and start screaming (well, at least I haven't yet) but the point is, I would definitely want to.Being a mom is no friggin' joke. It's like in certain scenes in movies when you see a part played out of  what the character wants to do, instead of what s/he actually does. That happens to moms all the time. We picture ridding ANYONE who brings any sort of harm to our children. I feel feelings I have never felt before. 

I feel fierce. 

I feel like a warrior. 

I feel unstoppable- un-mess-with-able (look for that word coming soon on Urban Dictionary).

I feel love like no other. 

I would do ANYTHING for them to be ok and better than ok and pain free and have their needs met. ANYTHING. 

And that about sums it up. Happy Mother's Day!