May

May was REALLY fun. We went to Las Vegas, a friend turned 40, enjoy the LG Wine Walk with friends and family, started swim lessons for the season, saw Ryan shine at his Open House, sipped wine with gals at Mom's Night Out at Clos the Chance, enjoyed a family wedding, celebrated birthdays and Mother's Day, and Josh went on his fancy trip to New York and Las Vegas. Really can't complain.

cx

Yes, I know there is a drink on our hands in every picture. It was that kind of month :)

You're a Good Mom

These are not my words. I saw this link of Facebook and am reposting it here. I have written a lot, in the past, about moms judging other moms. I really like this...

To the mom who's breastfeeding: Way to go! It really is an amazing gift to give your baby, for any amount of time that you can manage! You're a good mom. 

To the mom who's formula feeding: Isn't science amazing? To think there was a time when a baby with a mother who couldn't produce enough would suffer, but now? Better living through chemistry! You're a good mom.

To the cloth diapering mom: Fluffy bums are the cutest, and so friendly on the bank account. You're a good mom.

To the disposable diapering mom: Damn those things hold a lot, and it's excellent to not worry about leakage and laundry! You're a good mom.

To the mom who stays home: I can imagine it isn't easy doing what you do, but to spend those precious years with your babies must be amazing. You're a good mom.

To the mom who works: It's wonderful that you're sticking to your career, you're a positive role model for your children in so many ways, it's fantastic. You're a good mom.

To the mom who had to feed her kids from the drive thru all week because you're too worn out to cook or go grocery shopping: You're feeding your kids, and hey, I bet they aren't complaining! Sometimes sanity can indeed be found in a red box with a big yellow M on it. You're a good mom.

To the mom who gave her kids a homecooked breakfast lunch and dinner for the past week: Excellent! Good nutrition is important, and they're learning to enjoy healthy foods at an early age, a boon for the rest of their lives. You're a good mom.

To the mom with the kids who are sitting quietly and using their manners in the fancy restaurant: Kudos, it takes a lot to maintain order with children in a place where they can't run around. You're a good mom.

To the mom with the toddler having a meltdown in the cereal aisle: they always seem to pick the most embarrassing places to lose their minds don't they? We've all been through it. You're a good mom.

I really do think that a good mom is one who loves their child/ren. It looks differently for all of us. I actually needed this reminder after this weekend when I saw a child acting out in a way that I found completely unacceptable-I am talking Veruca Salt behavior. I was also appalled at how the parents acted and responded- again straight out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Then, today I saw this. Talk about a smack in the face :)

My Visit to Jason

It's been almost 6 months since this picture was taken. I see this photo and can feel how I felt on this day. I was high from the visit for almost 2 days after it. You know, from this previous post, that things did not work out as we all hoped.

This past weekend I visited Jason for the first time since his December arrest. We had exchanged some letters, but this was face to face time.

Last week I was getting ready one morning and it was just very clear that I wanted a visit. He is still at the main jail in San Jose. Everyone who knows me knows that once something is in my head, it doesn't leave until I act on it. So, I hopped out of bed Saturday morning and headed down to the jail.

The last time I visited Jason while he was incarcerated was when I was first pregnant with Haley. I hated the experience and swore I'd never do it again. Here I was, 9 years later, registering to visit my brother in jail.

Again, I hated the experience and have sworn to never do it again. I wanted to punch one of the officers in the face. He treated everyone like a low life. Complete positional power, no respect. I get that they deal with a bunch of shit in there, but how about starting off kind and then acting as needed? He took one tone with me and I immediately swelled up with tears. Bastard.

I had read all of the requirements online to make sure I had what I needed. Well, things were a bit different and I had to wait in the waiting room with no book and no phone- for 2 hours. There was also no clock in the room so I decided to ask the above mentioned officer that I understand that there are rules, but was there a reason there was no clock in the room? He could sense my sarcasm (shocker) and  took a tone with me that warned that he had the power and had no problem asking me to leave.

For 2 hours I watched him talk to people like dirt. It was awful and I wanted to get up, rally everyone, and make him hear that he was wrong! Instead, I sat and stared at the wall where I thought a clock should be until my group was called.

We headed up an elevator to the 4th floor where the doors opened and we were let out. I could see that the visit would be in those booths with the phones and the glass. I started crying again. I had changed my mind and wanted to leave. What was I doing here? The last time I visited Jason was in a big room with a bunch of tables. Instead, here I was, watching them walk my brother in, in shackles and I picked up the phone.

He looked physically strong but his eyes looked tired.

Our visit was honest, at least on my end. At one point I could feel him go into victim mode and I don't do well with that. I got some things out and I think he heard them. He has some real pain when it comes to our family and only tends to latch onto times where he felt wronged by us. I told him I wished he would pick different situations to cling to. Like the recent times when we rallied and supported him and told him we loved him numerous times. He says he doesn't blame us but it's obvious he has some deeply rooted issues there.

We talked about the kids and the family. The conversation flowed through serious and casual talk.

He is sentenced at the end of this month and his parole officer says he will get 10 years in prison. He is sad about the choices he made to get himself back in this situation. I asked him what he wants us to do in 10 years, if he gets out and this happens again. He didn't really know what to say. We ended our conversation on a good note and he expressed how happy he was to see me and how much it meant. We both said, "I love you" and then the phone cut out.

This week I haven't been sleeping well even though I am exhausted. I am waking up with a few of the same physical symptoms I had when Jason was out and using. The visit was was tough but I am glad I went.

I have fantasized about going in with a hidden camera and humiliating that officer on one of those "Caught in the Act" shows.

But then I am reminded of the one prescribed prayer I say. I said it all the way to the car on the way out of the main jail:

God, grant me the serenity the accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

My Little Man

Last Friday was the best morning I have had in a very long time. It was the Mother's Day brunch at Ryan's preschool. I remember the event from when Haley was there and it was just as special the 2nd time, with a different child, 3 years later.
Ryan walked me into school and opened the door for me (his newest gentlemanly move). All of the tables were set with flowers. Ryan walked over and brought me a plate of breakfast treats before he went and got his own.
He then poured me some juice and poured himself some milk. It was so delightful to sit with him and enjoy the treats. We were surrounded by our friends and that just added to the joy.

Ryan is really coming into his own. He was a real handful for quite awhile. For the last year or so it has been so incredible to see him mature and change. His experience at preschool has helped him grow leaps and bounds, not only socially, but academically.

I find him fun to be with- a very cool little guy.

Best Mother's Day Gift- EVER!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEKGLEhj19A&feature=youtu.be

Girls

A couple of weeks ago I was able to spend 3 nights with my oldest (longest) friends. It was perfection.

We've been friends for 22 years and have shared so many life experiences. No matter how much time passes, nothing changes with how we feel about each other.

The empty chair above I called my "throne" all weekend. Why? Because my butt was planted there for most of it. And see the view? I'm no dummy.

 I still can't believe Mer owns her own brewery- how bad ass is that? Six Rivers Brewery . Check it out!

 We got to spend time hanging at the brewery, playing games, hanging with the Eureka crew, catching up on current life, and reminiscing about old times. One night we sat outside, with our drinks, and whipped up about 200 stories and laughed through all of them. A few stories we brought up, others had forgotten. It was pure delight.

The last night, after all of the local friends left (who I was delighted to see) we ended up all on the same bed bouncing around and cracking up. I was thrown back to freshman year in high school having sleep overs and not falling asleep. It was pure fun chaos- light and playful.

A perfect weekend with perfect women. How lucky am I?

The Power of Forgiveness

Yesterday morning Ryan and I went to service. After I dropped Ryan off in his little classroom, I found a spot in the back of the room. I sat down while the musical guest was signing the most touching song. His voice shot straight to my heart. It was stunningly beautiful and I instantly had a lump in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes.

I realize that my true reflection times happen either during meditation or during Sunday service. I am not distracted by anything else and am able to focus on my spiritual self. This month's theme at the center is "Forgiveness." 

There have been things happening with family that have left me sad, angry, and frustrated. As I sat throughout the service and tears ran down my face for almost the entire hour, it was clear that I was ready to move out of this phase of emotions into a place of healing.

Josh and I have talked about the most delicious food we have ever had. For me, when I take a bite of something delicious I want everyone at the table to have a bite. For Josh, he takes a bite and wants to enjoy every delectable bite for himself. Yesterday during service, I wanted everyone I knew and loved and those who have been dealing with some serious life issues, to be at the service, experiencing what I was experiencing.

For the first time ever, as Reverend David spoke, I felt compelled to take out a pen and write his words down. I took my program and started scribbling as fast as I could, for every word he said make perfect sense and he was speaking directly to my soul.

"Forgiveness is the only way to move forward. It heals us."

"When I am not forgiving I'm a victim. When I'm a victim I'm not empowered."

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past."

"Be spiritually responsible for yourself."

"Sometimes we are so let down because we have set up a story or myth about someone or something. Then when reality is reality we are so disappointed by the outcome."

And then the singer came back out and performed another song about letting it go. Releasing all of it. He was so inspiring.

At first my thoughts went to the people I know who are in a place in their lives right now where forgiveness would be so freeing. How empowering for those to move from victim role to healing. And then it was all too clear (a true clarifying moment in my life) that I need to do it for myself. I have definitely been so let down by reality when my story or myth was so different. How unfair is that to those I have done that to? Completely.

Parts of life have been a definite whirlwind for the last year or so. I have a new goal for myself. I know it will be healing. I know it will be freeing. I know that I have no impact on anyone else but myself.

 I live my life feeling blessed and full of love. I see most things as half full. I do not feel wronged by people. I do not feel like a victim. I had no idea I have forgiving to do, of myself and of others.

I do. I will.