Yesterday morning Ryan and I went to service. After I dropped Ryan off in his little classroom, I found a spot in the back of the room. I sat down while the musical guest was signing the most touching song. His voice shot straight to my heart. It was stunningly beautiful and I instantly had a lump in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes.
I realize that my true reflection times happen either during meditation or during Sunday service. I am not distracted by anything else and am able to focus on my spiritual self. This month's theme at the center is "Forgiveness."
There have been things happening with family that have left me sad, angry, and frustrated. As I sat throughout the service and tears ran down my face for almost the entire hour, it was clear that I was ready to move out of this phase of emotions into a place of healing.
Josh and I have talked about the most delicious food we have ever had. For me, when I take a bite of something delicious I want everyone at the table to have a bite. For Josh, he takes a bite and wants to enjoy every delectable bite for himself. Yesterday during service, I wanted everyone I knew and loved and those who have been dealing with some serious life issues, to be at the service, experiencing what I was experiencing.
For the first time ever, as Reverend David spoke, I felt compelled to take out a pen and write his words down. I took my program and started scribbling as fast as I could, for every word he said make perfect sense and he was speaking directly to my soul.
"Forgiveness is the only way to move forward. It heals us."
"When I am not forgiving I'm a victim. When I'm a victim I'm not empowered."
"Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past."
"Be spiritually responsible for yourself."
"Sometimes we are so let down because we have set up a story or myth about someone or something. Then when reality is reality we are so disappointed by the outcome."
And then the singer came back out and performed another song about letting it go. Releasing all of it. He was so inspiring.
At first my thoughts went to the people I know who are in a place in their lives right now where forgiveness would be so freeing. How empowering for those to move from victim role to healing. And then it was all too clear (a true clarifying moment in my life) that I need to do it for myself. I have definitely been so let down by reality when my story or myth was so different. How unfair is that to those I have done that to? Completely.
Parts of life have been a definite whirlwind for the last year or so. I have a new goal for myself. I know it will be healing. I know it will be freeing. I know that I have no impact on anyone else but myself.
I live my life feeling blessed and full of love. I see most things as half full. I do not feel wronged by people. I do not feel like a victim. I had no idea I have forgiving to do, of myself and of others.
I do. I will.
